The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building..

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Pizza again! If I get pizza one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunc

[Bob Garage]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:


'Good trade.'

[Bob Garage]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

[Bob Garage]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across
a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and
gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been
granted
three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies
disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a
golf-course
mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore
this fabulous
house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks
down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in
Ku Klux Klan
outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a
rope over
a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the
two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to
make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond
me.'

[Bob Garage]

A Wee scottish guy sitting at a bar, a big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says "thats a karate chop from Korea"

Later the thug walks up to him and hits him again and says "thats a judo chop from Japan"

The wee scottish guy goes out and a few minutes later returns, smacks the thug on the head and knocks him out, with blood splattered everywhere

And says to the barman "when that B*****d wakes up tell him that was a f*****g crowbar from Scotland!!

[Bob Garage]

Essex Speak

Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture into the English county known as Essex, where they have a language all of their own.

This Essex is in the UK, not far from London, and the accent is not unlike cockney, but without the rhyming slang.

We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the translation which we have supplied:

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item: how much is it?

amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend'): amount

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or disability: housebound

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ‘ave you been on sunbed?'): browner

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter pounder

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth

eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre: Thurrock

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'): garage

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'): lethargic

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'): rebound

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday: Southend

tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts

wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police: wanted

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate

[Bob Garage]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud,
blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom
to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

Whats all the screaming about in there? he yells. Youre scaring my customers!

Im just sitting here on the toilet, slurs the drunk, and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts.

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, You idiot! Youre sitting on the mop
bucket!

[Bert Jan]

That Essex dictionary made my day, thanks!

[Bob Garage]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy

has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and

Willy from school and go get dinner.'