The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[Bob Garage]

During a research visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'a normal person would pull the plug....

Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Bob Garage]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly

realize............
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You're listening to your IPOD!

[Bob Garage]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed. The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing, the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed".

With that a terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice... "Shit, I missed."

[Bob Garage]

A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.
He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.
The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.
As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”

[Bob Garage]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those." The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

[Bob Garage]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees. Nowadays the medical profession seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said,


"Because I'm trying to examine you......"

[Bob Garage]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition: Whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything
for it?'

The woman nodded.

'Pepper.'

[Bob Garage]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.Finally sick of the stress, he
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total
isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man
is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having Christmas
party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at 5:00...

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.Be some drinking'.

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us .

[Bob Garage]

Man goes to the doctors and says 'doc, I think I have a problem. When I masturbate, I immediately start singing the English national anthem.'

Doctor looks at him and says 'don't worry, lots of wankers sing that.'