The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[Bob Garage]

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

His mate says, "Bugger, I just joined Rotary"

[Bob Garage]

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam. I do not in tend to be forward But! Did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.'

'But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties And your privates are exposed!' Said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, Then back up at the man and replied, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!'

[Bob Garage]

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to drive a formula 1 car?

Is it to fly a fighter in combat?

Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?

Is it to insult your boss?

Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?

Bullshit........those are nothing!


THIS is COURAGE!!!

[Bob Garage]

The T.V. presenter Ulrika Jonsson suffered an accident at home yesterday.

Apparently after having showered she walked over the marble hallway to her bedroom, slipped and ended up with a mobile phone stuck in her rectum.

Doctors at the hospital where she is being treated are unconcerned however and anticipate she'll make a full recovery.
As one of them said ......."It's not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her arse".

[Bob Garage]

What does Verne Troyer get if he runs between a woman’s legs?

A clit around the ear,
A flap across the face,
And a crack on the head.

[Bob Garage]

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

[Bob Garage]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living,being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,!
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[Bob Garage]

Bob, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar late one evening.
He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news is coming on. The news crew is covering a story
of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Bob and asks, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replies, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob places a $20 bill on the bar and says, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
does a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde is very upset, but willingly hands her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replies, 'I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news, so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replies, 'I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money......

[Bob Garage]

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that
they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.