The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.


Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'


Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Giuseppe answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'


Rosa answers, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'


Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!


Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.'

Giuseppe gasps,
'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

[Bob Garage]

shman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Bob Garage]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Bob Garage]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[Bob Garage]

A new EU initiative has decided that you are not to use the term Pikey any longer.


You must use the phrase, 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers’ or better still the acronym.................. C.U.N.T.

[Bob Garage]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
Woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman'
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

[Bob Garage]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood
there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just
never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing.
When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost
deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer
and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

[Bob Garage]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with NHS paperwork, rules and malpractice insurance and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Bob Garage]

The interview was as follows:

The Lady Reporter: 'Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: 'Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?'

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): 'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?'

Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'

Reporter: 'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?'

Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'

The program was never aired.....

[Bob Garage]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"