The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

[Bob Garage]

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

[Bob Garage]

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

[Bob Garage]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."

[Bob Garage]

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[Bob Garage]

John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up.
"Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS."
"Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH."

"SRH? What's that?"

"Sperm Retention Headache."

[Bob Garage]

The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel 1 from each of her fighting forces... She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on ops ?

The squaddie says I'd reach over grab my bayonet and stab it to death!
The matelot says I'd reach over grab my boot and batter it to death !
The airman says I'd reach over pick up my phone ... call reception and ask who the hell has put a tent up in my hotel room !

[Bob Garage]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'

[Bob Garage]

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis
was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason that the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that
it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[Bob Garage]

The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him 'Onestone'.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'


Word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no-one dared call him by his given name until a woman called Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night and all the next day.

He made love to her all the next night too, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!