The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Some tips for 4x4 drivers.

1. Don't bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a f*ck what your name is.
2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.
3. "Parent and Child" spaces aren't really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
4. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
5. When people make "wanker" signs at you, it's because you are a wanker. Learn to live with it.

[Bob Garage]

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[JMacD263]

A blond Joke for ya.

3 Blonds stuck on an island looking around on a beach to find something to help them get home, when one of the blonds finds a bottle with a genie in it.

He pops out and says a will grant you each one wish.
The 1st blond asked for 10% more intelligence, turns into a brunette and starts building a raft to get home.
The 2nd blond asked for 20% more intelligence and turns into a red head and starts building a boat to get home.
The 3rd asked for 100% more intelligence, turns into a man and walks across the bridge. :L

[Bob Garage]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Bob Garage]

No matter what Moshe did in bed his wife never
achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens
to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young
man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.' They go
home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel
over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the
wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says
to the husband,
'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife, and you wave the towel over them.' Once again,
they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home, and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the
husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an
enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband
smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him
triumphantly:
'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

[Bob Garage]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Bob Garage]

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but
didn't like each other much.

In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade
cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the
window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,
"What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said,
"Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe
is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,
"What are you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am
determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.
Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

[Bob Garage]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you
order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you
Peeking Duck

[Bob Garage]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.


After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.


The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

[Bob Garage]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy..**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul..'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ...........**


**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*