The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows. "Twenty dollars." she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to me wife!" the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!"

[Bob Garage]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[Bob Garage]

Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

[Bob Garage]

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[Bob Garage]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the war to be over by Friday.

[Bob Garage]

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!

Musical chairs was a bit slow...but f*ck me, pass the parcel was fast!

[Bob Garage]

A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the
Baby's father. Both were happy to try it.

The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so the
doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and
his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50
percent. Still no reaction.

The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the
doctor were ecstatic.
When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.

[Bob Garage]

A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! HOW MANY MORE TIMES ....I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor...

...... "Your mother must have been a carrier."

[Bob Garage]

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby.
The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs.
So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'
" When we got off to look, the bloody thing took off when the light turned green."

[Bob Garage]

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else?
Well, there was this Texan living in London a while back. HUGE fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, (often had to go through sideways.) and he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he had a heart attack and died one day, and wound up the a mortuary where a friend of mine worked.
Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made.
"So what did you do?" I asked.
"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really............ We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."