The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a Tax Office genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Bob Garage]

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her
cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.

[Bob Garage]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when
he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives
on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and
was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking
lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Bob Garage]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat..


To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.


While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.. So theZoo administrators thought they might have a solution.


Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

[Bob Garage]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[piotr]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and he asks, "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year!"

[Bob Garage]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service...

[Bob Garage]

You've got to ask yourself what kind of parents name their child Doug Hole. They either have a very wicked sense of humour or they didn't really think it through properly. Either way, they're not alone; a study has revealed the most unfortunate names in the UK and joining Doug Hole on the list are Justin Case, Hazel Nutt and Stan Still.


The list of names was uncovered by researchers from parenting group TheBabyWebsite.com after trawling through telephone records.
Retired RAF airman Stan Still, 76, from Gloucestershire, has said his name has been a "blooming millstone around my neck my entire life. "When I was in the RAF my commanding officer used to shout ‘Stan Still, get a move on' and roll about laughing," he said. "It got hugely boring after a while."
Mr Hole of Penrith, Cumbria, did not want to comment on his name. "I don't want to be involved just because I have an unusual name," he said.
However Rose Bush from Coventry said: "I love my name. I always get comments about it but they are always very positive."
A spokesperson for TheBabyWebsite said: "Parents need to think carefully when choosing names for their children.
"Their name will be with them for life and what may be quirky and fun for a toddler might be regretted terribly when that person becomes older or even a grandparent perhaps."


Here's the full list of unfortunate names from the UK: Stan Still, Helen Back, Doug Hole, Terry Bull, Tim Burr, Rose Bush, Pearl Button, Will Power, Barry Cade, Mary Christmas, Chris Cross, Teresa Green, Ray Gunn, Jo King, Sonny Day, Justin Case, Lee King and Max Power.
A similar search in the US found these: Bill Board, Anna Prentice, Annette Curtain and my personal favourite Carrie Oakey.

[Bob Garage]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'msure
it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,
a royal flush


beats a pair - no matter how big they are!'

[Bob Garage]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters Beer. Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'!