The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.


"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.


"Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem' replied the doctor. ' Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra.
Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call
me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ' Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!'


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate
love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
feckin' nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'


'Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've
had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be
able to show me face in Starbucks again.'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

[Bob Garage]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.


He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!


The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

[Bob Garage]

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

[Bob Garage]

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father," replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
To which the priest replied.... "How much did you win?"

[Bob Garage]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunch time.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

[Bob Garage]

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the U.K. made up of:
Afghans, Albanians, Bengalis, Bosnians, Caribbean’s, Chinese, Croatians, Cypriots, Greeks, Hispanics, Indians, Iranians, Iraqis, Irish, Malays, Nigerians, Pakistanis, Poles, Somalis, Turks and an assortment of Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.


99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

[Bob Garage]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.