The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had
great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz
(chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed

for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I
had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then
made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!'

The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We
made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked,
'What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for six hours?'

The Italian said............


'I wiped my hands on the bedspread

[Bob Garage]

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were
sittin' around talkin' one afternoon over a cold beer
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I
was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and put it to
your wife while you was off huntin '
and she got pregnut and had a baby, would that make us
kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinkin' real
hard about the question. Finally, he says, ....."Well,
I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us
even."

[Bob Garage]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What's happening?” she asks.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son rushes in and hollers, “Mommy! Mommy! -- Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!”
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bitch,” she screams. “My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!”

[Bob Garage]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[Bob Garage]

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her: "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go back he’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

[Bob Garage]

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba ablood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[Bob Garage]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

[Bob Garage]

A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschid, and I make the wine."

Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same tine, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location"

Rothschid beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance of geographic location makes."

[Bob Garage]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
One dozen babies are in the ward eleven of whom are crying and
screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the de light of the two gays she points out
the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy
babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one
another.'
The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass.

[Bob Garage]

The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' sh e asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Val erie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' New Brunswick .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in 'New Brunswick.'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2 Taxes

3. Being screwed by your lawyer