The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Bob Garage]

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment; and after some small talk, they made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of passion. The love making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks,
"You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches again for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping...... Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks,
"You finish?"
"No!" she shouts back,................ "I Sveedish!"

[Bob Garage]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two
healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle
and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom,I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the
mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked in to the room in tears. 'It's okay' said
the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Bob Garage]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"

[Bob Garage]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he's 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Bob Garage]

Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is
"The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
I've been doing my part....."

[Bob Garage]

Boudreaux was out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it, Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée, Clotile, is still a virgin - in every way.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together .....quite an impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Clotile, marries her and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte. That night in the motel room, Clotile slowly opens her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen deez.'
Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, Clotile, still in da crate!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:
'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future.'
'Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'
Mick said. 'Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday. !!'

[Bob Garage]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[Bob Garage]

Itsh a well known fact that men shlurr their worddds when they have of shtrong drink partaken.............

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."