Do you have a vagina?
Now there is a question you do not get too often....... A woman is at home when she hears someone Knock at the door. She goes to the door & opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving & concerned voice "Honey I am takin tomorrow off to be home just in case this guys shows up again!" The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a Whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door & listen & if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to his question because I want to see where he is going with it" She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says... The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
The Official Joke Thread
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”
“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”
“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."
"I quit!" said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."
"I quit!" said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
A little old Scotsman is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the little old Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the little old Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
Most Embarrassing Moments...
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, “If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However , as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, “If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However , as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
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- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I may have gave him my airplane glue.'
So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I may have gave him my airplane glue.'
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Bob Garage
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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MetDream
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Re: The Official Joke Thread
The Night of April 1st
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a handsome young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man..
Take me now!'
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off.
And that's when I shot him,.............. the little bastard!!
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a handsome young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man..
Take me now!'
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off.
And that's when I shot him,.............. the little bastard!!
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Bob Garage
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- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband re plied: 'I'm watching football with my y
son-in-law.'
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband re plied: 'I'm watching football with my y
son-in-law.'
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!