The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight..

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

[Bob Garage]

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers

[Bob Garage]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"

[Bob Garage]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[Bob Garage]

John was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

[As Umar]

What's the difference between an Audi and a hedgehog?

The pricks are on the outside of the hedgehog!

[Bob Garage]

A man with a black eye boards a plane and notices the man next to him has a shiner too. The first man says "how did you get that?" second man replies "instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket counter for two ticket to pittsburgh I asked for two pickets to tittsburgh". First man says I got mine like that too! I wanted to say to my wife pour me a bowl of frosties please, but I accidentally said you've ruined my life you fat evil slag.

[Bob Garage]

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.

'Hey, mister,' Peter said, 'it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?'

'Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.'

'Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one.'

'No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work.'

'If you don't buy my baseball,' Peter said, 'I'll tell my dad where you are.'

'All right, all right,' the lover groaned, 'I'll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?'

'Fifty dollars.'

The man didn't want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, 'Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?'

The lover didn't even bother arguing: 'How much?'

'A hundred dollars!' The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother's lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. 'Hey, mister,' he said, climbing into the confessional, 'it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?'

The voice groaned, 'Not you again!'

[Bob Garage]

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!

Enjoy the Holidays!
Sincerely,
The Management

[Bob Garage]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike
says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get
to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later,
Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and
a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all
of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're
all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best
of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'