The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto
my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke'
do you not understand?'

[As Umar]

You should seriously consider compiling a book!!!!

[kasper93]

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

[Bob Garage]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.


From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'


So the married couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.


The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'


The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'


Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.


As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!


In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Bob Garage]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I’ve just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'


'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!

[Bob Garage]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what
happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just lay down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And
that's when I shot the little bastard

[Bob Garage]

Paddy was walking through the fields near his home in the Gaeltacht when he saw a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
He called across to him in Irish

"Ná ól an t-úisce, tá sé lán de chac bó" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh*t.)

The man shouted back
"I don't understand you, I'm English".

Paddy said 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

[Bob Garage]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.


The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
to which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.
You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Bob Garage]

According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humour and a good personality...

This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."

[Bob Garage]

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until
the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale
and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food
cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair,
dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had
dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She
thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another
cake.'

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to
fit in at her new church and in her new community of
friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house
for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did
the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church
and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave
her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake
sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and
bring it home..

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell
phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was
beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think?

She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All
night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing
fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to
think about the cake and would attend the fancy
luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member
and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend
because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked
down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and
not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having
already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable
excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper
crust old South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in
question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood
drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out
of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard
the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
'Thank you, I baked it myself.'

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'