The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

[shownomarcy]

anybody watches Snooker here? here is a stupid try to rewrite a verse from seek in snooker style

we are scanning the green
in the Crucible tonite
we are looking for cue
to start up a break
there's a hundred feeling
in our brains
but its nothing new
you know it drives us for frame

running
on the hole
hiding
you'll break
dying
for a hundredfortyseven points

searching
snook-er destroy

eh

[Bob Garage]

Just bought myself a Ricky Hatton toaster.
Its SHIT, won't even do two rounds.

[Bob Garage]

some topical Peter Andre / Jordan jokes. probably only make sense if your from the UK.


Madonna has said she is saddened to hear of the marriage break up of Peter Andre and Jordan. She also wants first refusal on the blind kid if niether of them want it.


*********


After clearing out all of his stuff from the house Peter Andre hears Jordan call from the shed "what about this spade". He replies "Fuck off, he's Dwight Yorkes not mine!"


*********


After it was announced that Jordan and Peter Andre were to seperate the pair commented on the end of their relationship. Jordan said she would miss the family holidays they shared, the tv specials they made and the companionship. Peter Andre said he'd miss the titwanks and watchingthe fat cod eyed kid walking into the wall.


*********


Just heard the pope was in Jordan yesterday... didn't take her long did it!!!

[Bob Garage]

and some topical football jokes....


Leeds United players have developed a cross virus of swine flu and bird flu that could help them get promoted. It's called pigs might fucking fly flu.


**********


David Blaine is pissed off, he just found out his record of 44 days in a box doing fuck all has been smashed by Dimitar Berbatov.

[JMacD263]

Wow you should re-name this thread, - best of the internet!

[Bob Garage]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood , but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[Bob Garage]

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern
Wisconsin. The next morning the resulting floodwaters
came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs Maki was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come.
Mrs Maki noticed a baseball cap floating near the
house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
then float back to the house. It kept floating away
from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena
"Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from da house,
den back again?"
Lena said, "Yah, sure, you betcha. Dat's my husband Ole;
I tole dat lazy ass he gonna cut da grass today, come hell or
high water."

[Bob Garage]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man..

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[Bob Garage]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.