The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Tips for surviving the credit crunch!


- Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

- Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

- Homeowners: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

- Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr. KVL 741Y,

- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

- Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

- Housewives, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

- Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

- Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to charity, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for only a few dollars.

- Old people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

- Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

- Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

- Make your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill.

- Shoppers, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

- Women: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterward

[Bob Garage]

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.&nb sp;

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An em ployee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"

[Bob Garage]

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons
and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle - and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

[Bob Garage]

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to."... See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer."

The hick says, "Great ..but ..How can you tell?"

The inspector says.......................... "It's dented on one end."

[sjmike]

Ever wondered how a woman's brain works? It's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:


Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man, of course, has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts

[ColdmetalMuse]

This one is called: Do You Know Your American History?

The first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar
Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand
up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said..

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863,"
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General
Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher slumped on the floor, someone
said, "Oh sh*t, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American taxpayers,
during the 2009 bailouts."

[Bob Garage]

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds
to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus yet.?'


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'

[Bob Garage]

The MP expenses scandal escalated today after news
that David Blunkett has claimed for a set of binoculars!

[Bob Garage]

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."
Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home.
As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered.
She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

[Bob Garage]

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from consciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.