The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : " How much ? "

WOMAN : " $90,000 "

MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!"

WOMAN: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."

WOMAN: "They're asking $950,000."

MAN: " Go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000 because it's really what you want."
WOMAN : "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then turns and asks: "Anyone know who’s this phone belongs to?"

[JMacD263]

^Haha Amazing!

[Bob Garage]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

[Bob Garage]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your Knickers".

Susie said: " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

[Bob Garage]

It's Career Day at school and the teacher is having the students stand up, state their parents' occupation, and then spell it.
Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."
"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"
Mike stands up. "My mum's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."
"Excellent. Bruce?"
Bruce gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H I . . . “
"Ummm, no, Bruce," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."
"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . “
"Tell you what, Bruce, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little Kevin, your turn."
Little Kevin watches Bruce shuffle off to the blackboard. ...
"Well, my dad's a bookie and I can't spell that, But I can give you two to one odds that Bruce spells 'shit' when he gets up to the blackboard."

[Bob Garage]

Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.
They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.
Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder.... could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
To which the policeman replies, "Of course it has. It's four o'clock in the mornin."
Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies, "Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the Bleedin mornin!"
Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's four in the Bloody a.m., and all the fookin' buses have gone!"
And with that Paddy turns to his friend and says.......
....... "Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

[Bob Garage]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, suddenly yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy obviously did not have any whips on hand, but not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, has a timely flash of true inspiration. He opens the front door window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit, so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has gone with Paddy, let alone that she begged the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that, yes, she did.

The doctor then asks, "Was it perhaps outdoors, maybe in a vehicle?"

Colleen reddens in further embarrassment and admits to doing it outdoors.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor confirms, "I thought so because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[Bob Garage]

My mate has had to see the doctor after a recurring nightmare. It is so frightning he wakes up screaming and crying. He dreams he has a boil on his willy.

But it's not just any boil, it's Susan Boyle!

[Bob Garage]

Dear Grand-son,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting... So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Bob Garage]

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"


"I regret I cannot", lamented the first. "It is permanently stuck in my butt"

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?