The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

How to survive a shark attack.....

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

[Bob Garage]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"


God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Bob Garage]

Jobs that are like making love to a beautiful woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[Bob Garage]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The1stkind of sex is called:Smurf Sex..* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The2ndkind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The3rdkind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex hasgotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The4thkind of sex is called:Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long..When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ' screw you. '

The5thkind of sex is called:Religious Sex.* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The6thkind is calledCourtroom Sex.* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The7thkind of sex is called:Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Bob Garage]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy
rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be
financially secure for life".

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.


The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost
you?"

"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming"

[Bob Garage]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’
‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
‘A female horth.’
So he shows him a prized filly.
‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
‘Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?’
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat?’
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’

[Bob Garage]

I bought a deodorant stick today.
I'd never used one before,so I read the instructions.

They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment,but my farts smell lovely!

[Bob Garage]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... )
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[Bob Garage]

A woman scans the guests at a party and spots an attractive
man standing alone. She approaches him.

'My name is Carmen,' she says.

'That's a beautiful name, ' he replies, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she says. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most, cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asks.

He replies, "Beercunt."

[Bob Garage]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Managing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The MD said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Thank you so much!" said the MD........... "I need two copies."