The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy ...............

[Bob Garage]

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[Bob Garage]

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state.

But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.

The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

[Bob Garage]

Put 400 bricks in a closed room. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

[Bob Garage]

Song for pervs!


(To the Tune Of "My Favourite Things")

Dildoes and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favourite things ...

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favourite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favourite toys ...

Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildoes and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbours can't tell ...

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favourite things!!!

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favourite things

[Bob Garage]

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read,

"THOAP!"

[Bob Garage]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[Bob Garage]

Far far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."

(You're going to love this...............................)


"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

[Bob Garage]

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not

bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and

heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees
< br> three nuns heading his way.


Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like

he's a statue.


The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.


"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".


To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure

enough, he drops the second bar of soap..


Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and

three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells..


"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

[Bob Garage]

Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread
apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old
man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like
that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and
his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the
way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me
what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS......................
But I was wrong!"