The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring.
We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my
clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding
up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her
way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked
(as fast as an old lady can), Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill
whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the
exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

[Bob Garage]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[Bob Garage]

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with a French Airbus?


.... About halfway

[Bob Garage]

What have Air France and the Labour party got in common?


They both lost about 200 seats last week.

[Bob Garage]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and
all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped
out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the
horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the
race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch
watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.
Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting
gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a
small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the
race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see
which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The
priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the
races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses,
and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the
last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come
true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and
awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which
horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for
the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that
was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the
priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch
knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old
nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead
last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the
track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What
happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in
the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky
mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,'
he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and last
rites.'

[Bob Garage]

After a Air France flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, Non-stop from Brazil to Paris. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and HOLY CRAP !'


Silence followed


Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.


'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled,

'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'

[Bob Garage]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

[Bob Garage]

A scientist from Texas A&M University invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a group of
cowboys, who then proceeded to kick the shit out of him.

[Bob Garage]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Billy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning son.'
'Good morning pastor' replied the young man, focused on the plaque. 'Sir, what is this?' Billy asked.
'Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service, 'replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Billy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, 'Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?'

[Bob Garage]

Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?
1) Arsenal.
2) Scunthorpe United.
3) Manchester Fucking United.