The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replies. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[Bob Garage]

Cab Driver
Item tagged with cab, hookers, joke

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

[Bob Garage]

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

[Bob Garage]

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food, after he's done eating he shoots the bartender and starts leaving.

"Hey, you can't do that!" said someone else in the bar

"Yes I can, I'm a panda bear it's what I do, look it up." says the panda bear.

Later he looks up "panda bear" and sure enough it says

"Panda Bear; Eats shoots and leaves."

[Bob Garage]

A mother was showering with her daughter and the daughter looks at her and says, "Mommy, whats that?" the mom explains it's her washcloth.

Then the next day ,after the mom had shaved, they shower again and the daughter asks where the washcloth went, and she explained that she lost it.

Later the daughter goes up to the mom and says she found her washcloth. The mom, thinking she's joking, asks where,

"The maid has it! She's washing Daddy's face!"

[Bob Garage]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties
and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Bob Garage]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Bob Garage]

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking
his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vale Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well lady ', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

[Bob Garage]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Bob Garage]

I went into the Job Centre in Swindon and saw a card advertising for
a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" I ask the girl behind
the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for
the gynaecologist who specializes in young trendy patients."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie
them down and gently wash their "nether regions". Then apply shaving
foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing
lubricating oils to that area so they're ready for the gynaecologist's
examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of 60K GBP per annum, but you're
going to have to go to Salisbury "

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" I ask.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's where the end of the queue is.."