The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers!

[Bob Garage]

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what types
of medicines they know and if they knew what they were used
for...........
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good!
Can you tell me what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'Do you know what it's used
for?' 'To help you sleep', replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' 'Eyebrows
raised,sister Catherine is not sure of what Johnny's response will
be,but asked anyhow, "do you know what it's used for, Johnny?' she
asked.
Well said Johnny, 'It's used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ''take a
Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.''
Sister Catherine fainted.

[Bob Garage]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said.........,

'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied... 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom !

[Bob Garage]

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too.......... but we usually put more meat in it.".

[Bob Garage]

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window!"

[Bob Garage]

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall... back in 1850?

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

[Bob Garage]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that
the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that
she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor
said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what
was in the box.When he opened it, he found
two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been
angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about
all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

[Bob Garage]

Jane got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Jane again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Jane finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:


"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

[Bob Garage]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

[Bob Garage]

A man had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with Clearly and after while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing……..
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“I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone”.