The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

[Bob Garage]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Jet Airlines from Mumbai to Delhi .

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?

The mother, who was conservative and being a rather shy lady in the matter of the bird and bees, couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?

The flight attendant responded, Did your mother tell you to ask me that?

The little boy admitted that she did.

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Jet Airways always pulls out on time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you.

[Bob Garage]

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

[Bob Garage]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't fix it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close by there and I would walk you to it, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to Mocking Bird Lane .

On the way he said "Let's take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"


The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..."

[Bob Garage]

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me"

[Bob Garage]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings.

The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f***ing Goofy!”

[Bob Garage]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

[Bob Garage]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I imagined he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I had left me hat."

[Bob Garage]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

[Bob Garage]

The other day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She as a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.


My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.


The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!