The Official Joke Thread

[LeperMessiah26]

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of

'ASYLUM'.

Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - FREE
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !

Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'

PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW !
****************************************************************************

[Bob Garage]

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[Bob Garage]

A salesman goes up to a house on Schweitzer Mtn. and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little nine year-old boy named Ryjan who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other with a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

The Little boy replies: "What the f**k do you think?"

[Bob Garage]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[Bob Garage]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Bob Garage]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[Bob Garage]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Bob Garage]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[Bob Garage]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[Bob Garage]

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de
Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the
Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and
there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers,
and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few
metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be
de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"