The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

I think we just replace liverpudlian with our version of a slacker.
Anyway, welcome Mr. Diarmuid to our thread, now we are three!


Fadingtoblack

[WOLFMAN]

I heard these stuff about a year ago but still they make me laugh.hope you guys find it funny too:
1.You know what a penis says to a condom before entering the vagina :"cover me , I'm going in!"

2.You know what Newton's penis told him when he saw a nude woman :"f*** you and your gravity law , I'm going up"

3.Once an elephent wanted to make fun of a camel so he just went:"hey dude,why you got your breasts on your back?!"and the camel says :"well that's a strange question for a person who's got his d*** on his face "

4.Once a little kid asked his grandfather:"hey grandpa,do you and grandma still have sex with eachother?".The old man said :"You know we are old so we can just have oral sex."The kid said :"grandpa , what do you mean by oral sex?"The old man said:"Well I tell your grandma f*** you and she tells me f*** you too."

[Snow]

I have been getting text messages on my phone from a number of people for a while now so I will put the best ones in here to share seems easier than asking you all for your phone numbers so I can forward them on lol

Dawn French has been arrested in the possesion of hard drugs, she went through customs with no knickers on, fell over and exposed 40lbs of crack!

A woman's crawling across the floor on all fours with sperm dribbling from both sides of her mouth. What does that tell you?
The floor is level!

Walker's crisps, Leiceter City Football Club's sponser are set to release some new flavour crisps: Assault & Vineagar, Pokey Bacon, Sour Kraut, Porn Cocktail and Spit Roasted Chicken

A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver their first baby. The wife however gave birth to a black baby boy. The Chinese man was so shocked that he named him "Sum Tin Wong"

At this moment in time, 10 million c*nts are being f*cked, 7 million c*nts are being licked, 3 million are soaking wet and one wee lonely c8nt is reading a text message!

There's a pub called The Cockwell Inn in Herbum Village near Tillet town. Lucy Lykes owns the pub. The address is Lucy Lykes The Cockwell Inn Herbum Tillet Herts

If a black stork brings black babies, a white stork brings white babies... What brings NO babies?.........A good swallow!

Ten Things that Men know about Women:
10 They have a pussy
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1 Oh yeah they've got tits

A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom and catches her husband wanking into a wellie. Seeing this she shouts "Dirty bastard stop fucking aboot"

The Post Office has issued a new stamp with a picture of a womans genitals on it to celebrate Womans Awareness Week. It has caused a lot of confusion as men are unsure which side to lick!

A Doctor informs a prostitute that she is pregnant & asks who the father is, to which she replied "Well Dr, if you ate a tin of beans do you know which one made you fart?"

Thats yer lot for now

[Metbashdog83]

Here's one from me:

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my
boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the
winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and
played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the
winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red
Ferrari "How could you afford that car?" her husband asks. You guessed
it: her share of the lotto winnings.

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm
bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds
that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.
"What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want
to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

[Metbashdog83]

And another one:

Finally, a Blonde Guy Joke

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[Fadingtoblack]

Glad to see the threads finally taking off. now, inspired by young Sum Ting Wong, the menu for your dining pleasure...

Suk Mi Pagoda Menu

Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Cuntonese Cuisine
6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo,
CA 281-6969 (that's Two ate one, sixty-nine, sixty-nine)


A -La - Carte
Cream Sum Yung Guy ... Women love it
Cum Drop Soup ... Same as above, but no MSG
Cho Kon It ... For The Big Eater
Suc Sum Tit ... Chef's favourite Luncheon


Specials
Sum Yung Chick ... Sweet and delicious
Sum Dum Fuc ... Same as above but without brains
Wong Hong Lo ... Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs
Suc Mi Pork ... Mostly white meat for light eaters
Chu Sum Twat ... Mostly pink meat for the gourmet
Suc Mi Dork ... Mostly dark meat for big eaters
Goo In Hand ... For Those Dining Alone


Dinner Combinations
Goo in Hand ... For those dining alone
Suc Mi Wang ... Traditional Chinese sausage
Cum Too Soon ... Order early! These go fast!
Sum Dum Chick ... Always a low cost favourite
Fuc Mei Slo ... Takes 2 hours to prepare
Lik Mi Clit ... A lip smacking Oriental treat
Goo Wee Chick ... No extra charge for sloppy seconds
Yung Poon Tang ... Fresh daily
Too Can Choo ... Includes sausage and fish for two
Wai Too Yung ... Not available on school nights
Fuc Sum Now ... Raw fish for those in a hurry
Tung Sum Chick ... Chef's Special
Sum Gulp Cum ... The Healthy Option
Sum Gulp Twat ... Low-cal diet special
Bang Ho Face ... Served sitting down
Bang Ho Butt ... Served with warm oil and jelly
Hoo Flung Poo ... Lobster bibs & raincoats provided

Fadingtoblack

[Fadingtoblack]

And another one:

Four men were bragging how smart their cats were.

The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the
third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do
your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and
a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
Tim Tams, divided them into four equal piles of three each.

Everybody agreed that was good.

The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250ml glass from the
cupboard and measured out 200mls without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the public servant and said,
"What can your cat do?"

The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the
milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three
cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional
improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for
workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave.

Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

Prison Vs Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

[Fadingtoblack]

And here's another:

Just after getting married a sailor is informed his next posting will be on a remote Pacific Island. A few weeks after ariving he begins to miss his new wife, and so he writes her a letter. "My love", he writes, "we will be apart for a year, far too long. Already I'm missing you and there's really not much to do here. Worse, we're constantly surrounded by nubile young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I wouldn't be tempted?"
A few weeks later a parcel arrives from his wife, containing a harmonica and a note: "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Several months later his tour of duty ends and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling", he cries, "i can't wait to get you into bed and make passionate love to you!" His wife frowns at him, "first things first", she replies, "I want to see you play that harmonica."

Fadingtoblack

[Luís]

I can't tell much jokes here, because I couldn't translate them, but here it goes one that I know:

David Beckham was driving his car really slowly, because he was making/doing/whatever crochet. When the police officer saw that, he shouted "Pullover!". David's answer: "No no, it's not a pull over, it's just a pair of socks"