The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional
wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a
scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked
up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,
weight lifter, or what?"


The man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[Fadingtoblack]

And check out this link, the Irish Digital clock....

Irish Digital Clock


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how
they died.

1st woman: "I froze to death"

2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, I started
running all over the house looking for her. I ran up into the attic and
searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and
finally I became so exhausted, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!"

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

[Fadingtoblack]

ok:

Dave walks into a pub and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar looking depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong. "Well," replies Jeff, you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "yes," replies Dave with a smile. "Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" Says Dave, "when are you two going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again, so I got some tape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible," says Dave. "So I got to the door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell, and she answered wearing the sheerest tiniest, negligee you've ever seen." "And what happened then?" Asks Dave. Jeff huddled over the bar again, "I kicked her in the face."

Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 52.3 and
52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management." "I am,"
replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you
don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you
are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no
idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault !"

[sjmike]

A man walked into a bar. He saw a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
sitting on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said, "Hi there. How's it going?"

Having already had a few too many drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

The guy said, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

[sjmike]

My uncle sent me this one...

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun -toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them." Recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

[Fadingtoblack]

hahaha, here's another one:

A man picks a girl up at a bar and convinces her to go home with him. After they've done the deed and are relaxing in the afterglow, the man rolls over to face the girl and asks: "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully and replies, "Maybe, your face does look a bit familiar."

Fadingtoblack

[Snow]

A man meets a really attractive lady at a pub and goes to talk to her.
She offers to buy him a few drinks and naturally he accepts, buying hers in return (politically correct and all that), eventually she asks him if he would like to share a taxi and go back to her place.

She cooks him a delicious meal, and slips into the bedroom to change into something more comfortable (edit - where does that saying come from? I mean how stupid is it.....more comfortable? why not just just get naked????? - snow)

She calls him into the bedroom and then they make love all night. (lucky bastard!)

As the guy is getting dressed the girl holds out her hand in expectation.
"what is that for?" he asks
"I am a prostitute" she replies
"What is a prostitute?" the man asks
so the woman hands the man a dictionary, scanning through he finds the word prostitute - It read-
A man or woman that sells their body for sexual favours.

The man looks up and straight faced replied "but thats no good because I am a Panda"
"A what?"
"A panda" and gives the dictionary back to the prositiute

Panda - A male animal who eats shoots and leaves!!!

[Fadingtoblack]

Here's some quick ones:

A man walks intoa Doctors Office in considerable pain. "Doc," he gasps, "you've got to help me, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!" "How's that?" Asks the Doc. ""Don't you start," mutters the man.

What did the Leper say to the Hooker? You can keep the tip.

What do Elephants use for tampons? Sheep.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will usually stop screwing you when you're dead.

grr, ok I'll still put this in...

What's the difference between Yoghurt and Australia? Yoghurt has a real live culture.

Man they're getting worse, I apologise in advance for this one...

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's? Because they fall through his hands.

Maybe I should stop now...

Two Gay men are walking by a morgue on a hot day. One of them turns to the other and says, "Want to stop in and suck down a cold one?"

How are women like parking spaces? The good ones are usually taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped.

What are three words you really don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

What part of a man is the most sensitive while he's masturbating? His ears.

That'll do for now I think!


Fadingtoblack