The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

And another:

>1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
>
>marijuana, press the hash key..."
>
>
>
>
>2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>
>
>3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
>

>4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
No, the steaks are too high."
>
>
>
>5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
>
>
>6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
>
>7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
>
>
>
>8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
>
>9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>
>10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>
>11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
>
>
>12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
>13. HAS ALREADY BEEN POSTED
>
>
>14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
>
>15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>
>
>16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great,
the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
>
>
>
>17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
>
>
>
>
>18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>
>

>19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
>

>20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>
>
>21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm
> in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
>
>
>22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
>
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so
far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night.
>

Ugh


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

A MIDDLE-AGED man buys a new Mercedes convertible and zooms off down the
road at 90 mph, loving the feel of the wind in his thinning hair.

But then he sees a police car behind him flashing.

"He can't catch me," the man chuckles and he floors it some more, roaring
down the road at 130 mph.

Then he thinks 'what the hell am I doing, I am too old for this kind of
thing'.

So he pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the police car to
catch up with him.

The cop stops, gets out of his car, and walks over to the driver.

"Sir" he says, looking at his watch "my shift ends in a few minutes and
today is Friday the 13th lucky for some. If you can give me a good reason
why you were speeding - one I have never heard of before - I'll let you go".

"Well," the man says, "last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought
you were bringing her back".

"OK," the policeman says, "have a nice day".

[Bob Garage]

A man named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside for years, with a
pet dog that he loved. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for
the creature?

Father Patrick replied, I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an
animal in church, but there is a new denomination down the lane and there's
no tellin what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, I'll go right away Father.... Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
for me to donate to them for the service? Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet
Mary Mother of Jesus!....Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Bob Garage]

this thread seems to be dying off a bit, so here's another to get it going...

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her electric wheelchair, and loves to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is "one sandwich
short of a picnic," the other residents tolerate her, and some of the more
sporting males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop," he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it
up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near
the TV lounge on two wheels, weird Harold popped out in front of her and
shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up

To him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on madam."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Calvin stepped
out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no..." said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!!"

[Fadingtoblack]

It's been to long! So here's few more from me.

Joe was visiting a friend's rubber factory one day. They enter the first room, to the loud sound of 'Bang-Hish-Bang-Hish'. "What are you making here?" asks Joe. "Teats for a baby's bottle", replies the owner, "The bang makes the teat, and the hish pusts the hole in the end." They continued on, and in the next room were confronted by different noises, this one going 'Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Hish-Bang-Bang'. "This is where we make the condoms", said the owner. "so why", asks Joe, "do the machines go Hish every now a then?" "well," said the owner, "we have to make sure there's enough babies for our teats."

A recent survey of Australian men showed that 10% liked women with thin legs, 15% prefer muscular legs, and the rest liked something in between.

And a funny article...

> This is an actual extract from a sex education school
> text book for girls, printed in the early 60's in the
> UK, written by a woman!
>
>
> "When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for
> bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene
> is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does
> not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have
> to do for his train. But remember to look your best
> when going to bed.
>
> Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being
> obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or
> hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be
> shocking to a man last thing at night.
>
> When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations
> with your husband it is important to remember your
> marriage vows and in particular your commitment to
> obey him.
>
> If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so
> be it.
>
> In all things, be led by your husband's wishes; do not
> pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should
> your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all
> the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is
> more important than a woman's. When he reaches his
> moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is
> encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate
> any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your
> husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be
> obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance
> by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband
> will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your
> clothing,
> freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair
> care products. You may then set the alarm so that you
> can arise shortly before him in the morning.
> This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea
> ready when he awakes"

and a funny story:

Dont Fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.

A malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Phew, I needed to get that out of the system, I haven't posted a joke in ages!


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

anohter one from me....

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I
noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that
all the staff had spoons in their pockets.


When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well,"
he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all
our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon
is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared,
we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per
shift."


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can
you tell me why you have that string right there?"


"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."


"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"


"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Snow]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son, playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going"
The horrified mother went in & told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue,
For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Snow]

>Dear (IT) Technical Support:
>
>
>I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
>Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
>processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This
>wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs
>itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization
>where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys
>Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever
>selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but
>Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
>the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications.
>I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't
>work on this program. Can you please help.
>
>
>
>
>Joe
>
>
>Reply from Technical Support
>
>
>Dear Joe,
>
>
>
>This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
>Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0
>is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
>SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be
>able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife
>1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete
>or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people
>have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with
>even more problems. (See in manual under alimony/Child Support and
>Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep
>it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any
>faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must
>run the C:\I APOLOGIES program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key.
>It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGIES a number of times but
>hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife
>1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To
>get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as
>Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install
>Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application
>for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash. Regards,
>
>
>
>Technical support

[Snow]

Why Men Are Just Happier People -
> >
> >What do you expect from such simple creatures?
> >Your last name stays put.
> >The garage is all yours.
> >Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> >Chocolate is just another snack.
> >You can be president.
> >You can never be pregnant.
> >You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
> >You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
> >Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> >The world is your urinal.
> >You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
> >one is just too icky.
> >You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
> >Same work, more pay.
> >Wrinkles add character.
> >Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
> >People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
> >The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> >New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> >One mood -- all the time.
> >Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> >You know stuff about tanks.
> >A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> >You can open all your own jars.
> >You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> >If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
> >Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
> >Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> >You almost never have strap problems in public.
> >You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> >Everything on your face stays its original color.
> >The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
> >You only have to shave your face and neck.
> >You can play with toys all your life.
> >Your belly usually hides your big hips.
> >One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
> >You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
> >You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
> >You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
> >You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45
> >minutes.
> >No wonder men are happier!

[Snow]

Intelligence Riddle

George W. Bush recently met with the Queen of England. He asked her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can
give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent
people."
Bush frowned. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea.
&nb
sp; "Oh, that's easy George. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room.
&
nbsp; "Yes, your majesty?"
The Queen smiled.
"Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and
neither is it your sister. Who is it?"
Without paus
ing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
"That would be me, your majesty."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asked to speak with vice president Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother
and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney went to his advisors and asked every one, but no one could give him an
answer. Finally, he ended up in the gents toilet and whilst there he recognised
Colin Powell's shoes in the next cubical. Dick shouted,
"Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yelled back,
"That's easy Dick. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiled with relief and thanked Colin Powell. He went back to the Oval
Office to speak with President Bush.
"Say Mr President, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle of yours.
It's Colin Powell."
Bush got up, stomped over to Dick Cheney, and yelled angrily into his face,
"No, you stupid idiot! It's Tony Blair!"