The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

> > The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a
> > proposal from Benjamin
> > Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness",
> > said one of his Cardinals,
> > "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of
> > golf to show the
> > friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
> > Jewish and Catholic faiths."
> >
> > The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had
> > never held a golf club in
> > his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent
> > me?" he asked.
> >
> > "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied.
> > "But," he added, "there is
> > a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
> > is a devout Catholic. We
> > can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to
> > play Mr. Netanyahu as your
> > personal representative. In addition, to showing
> > our spirit of cooperation,
> > and, we'll also win the match."
> >
> > Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was
> > made. Of course, Nicklaus
> > was honored and agreed to play.
> >
> > The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the
> > Vatican. "I have some good
> > news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the
> > golfer.
> >
> > "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,"
> > said the Pope.
> >
> > "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but
> > even though I've played some
> > pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
> > by far the best I have
> > ever played. I must've been inspired from above. My
> > drives were long and
> > true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my
> > putting was perfect.
> > With all due respect, my play was truly
> > miraculous."
> >
> > "There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
> >
> > "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger
> > Woods by two strokes."

[Snow]

I think that my catching up is about complete after those few

In case its not though.........

[Snow]

Subject: OBITUARY

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend "Common Sense" who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I know My Rights, I’m a Whinger and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

[Snow]

Ok one more then I am off to bed -

The Man's perspective Why men die first.

Do you know how tough it is being a man?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her,you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a perv
If you don't, you're a poofter.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep shape, you're sexist
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!


THEY WANT TO!!

[Fadingtoblack]

Yeah I think you've caught up now!


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

nice lot of jokes there snow

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
> human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
>
> No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
> should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
> my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
> you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
> increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
>
> Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
> is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her
> and said to the class, "Anybody?"
>
> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
> part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
> the eye."
>
> Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
> "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a
> dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you
> are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Bob Garage]

i liked this one.....

It was rumoured today that Posh had an affair with Michael Jackson. Jackson's lawyers deny this saying he was in Brooklyn at the time.

[Fadingtoblack]

Agh, I really don't get it right now, then again, i just got home, and am as drunk as a skunk, which could have something to do with it


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

Brooklyn being Posh's son rather then the place

[Fadingtoblack]

ahhhhhhh! ok, now i get it.....I need another can


Fadingtoblack