The Official Joke Thread

[superman321]

good on you guys for keeping this thread going. Gives me a good laugh when I get up each morning. Cheers to you all

[Fadingtoblack]

It's good to have a fan! Sorry I haven't been too active here lately, but soon I shall redeem myself in the method of Snow - lots, and lots of jokes!

Till then...


Fadingtoblack

[Diarmuid]

Courtesy of a woman who came into my store today:

What's the difference between a garbage bag and Michael Jackson?

One is made out of plastic and is not recommended for children to play with, and the other is something you throw your trash in.

[åsa]

-Why do men name their dick?
-They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

-What´s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
-A northern fairytale begins, "once upon a time...", and a southern fairytale begin, "Y´all ain´t gonna believe this shit..."

-What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?
-A cock that stays up all night.

-What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
-A bingo machine.

-What´s the difference between erotic and kinky?
-Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

-What´s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
-Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.


that´s all for today.... bye.

[Bob Garage]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, if he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come out and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. They checked vents for dead rodents, steam cleaned carpets, and hung air fresheners everywhere. They brought in exterminators who set off gas canisters, requiring them to move out for a few days. In the end, they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home, including the curtain rods.


The moral of the story: DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN!!

[CreepingDave]

Ok, I found this on the forum somewhere or on the main site, can't remember were. Anyway I thought it was quite funny so i'll post it here.


A man walks in a Zoo shop asking for a monkey. The salesclerk said: " OK! We have got a couple of them. This one here costs 2000$" "Whow" said the man "2000$ for a monkey, thats quite expensive, what can he do?" The clerk said: " He has a comlete knowledge of Web Design programming and can do ALL your Webpages, he is called XerXes!"
The man was impressed, eger to know what other monkeys they got. So the clerk continued: " This monkey here costs 5000$, he can Admin all your Network, and setup your Serversoftware! His name is Visigod!"
The man knocked over by this, looked around in Shop to see what else they got. Suddenly he saw a cage in one corner with a monkey, the pricetag read 25000$. "What can he do?" he said. " I dont know" said the clerk, "never seen him do anything, but the other monkeys call him ... Poolzer, Sir!"

[Bob Garage]

> A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
> looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I
> mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
>
> With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
> and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
> wife's bottom.
>
> "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than
> the barbecue!!!"
>
> The woman chose to ignore her husband.
>
> Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
> makes some advances towards his wife who completely
> brushes him off.
>
> "What's wrong?" he asks.
>
> She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up
> this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[Bob Garage]

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the bedside table.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquired nervously;
"No silly", she replied, snuggling up to him;
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked;
"No, not at all" she said, nibbling away at his ear;
"Is it your dad or your brother?", he said hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!" she said;
"Well, who is he then?", demanded the bewildered guy;
Calmly the girl replied, "Thats me before the surgery" !

[Poolzer]

[frantik2k3]