The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

A few facts:


1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh**head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

14. How come the yanks choose from just two people to run for President and
50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven in kit form.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets
the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others. Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Scottish Proverb


Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
they'd
be married too. H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later,
for
another thing, they die earlier. H. L. Mencken


"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle." U2


Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring
suffering


When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year
married couple smiles everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife is.


My wife was in a beauty salon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?
"Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course..at least he'll
shut-up after you let him in!


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"The
first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever
seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The
mourner
took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."


A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and
threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over
too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a
while but then smiled "It really works!"

[Fadingtoblack]

Hey, what's this thread? Hmm, been a while huh?

ok:

> > >A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits
> > >down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands
> > >a beer.
> > >
> > > The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
> > > beer to bears in bars in Billings."
> > >
> > > The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
> > > served a beer.
> > >
> > > The bartender tells him again, more
> > > forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears
> > > in bars in Billings."
> > >
> > > The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
> > > me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
> > > end of the bar."
> > >
> > > The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
> > > ; belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
> > >
> > > The bear goes to the end of th! e bar, and, as
> > promised,
> > > eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and
> > again
> > > demands a beer.
> > >
> > > The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
> > > belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
> > > on drugs."
> > >
> > > The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
> > >
> > > The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
> > > barbitchyouate."

AND

The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.


Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?


Is it...

a) badger
a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?


Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."

Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

" Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris mmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will
be Sven's".

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger.
Definitely Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer.

" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"

Cue wild celebrations.


Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"

AND I don't think this has been done yet..

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN YOUR INSANITY:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With; "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock-Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile....It's Called Therapy...

Hopefully I've caught up a bit now, I'll try not to leave it as long from now on!!!


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

heres a few more from me...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum
deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff
from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, "This is just a normal
stick of underarm deodorant".

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container....


....... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

and...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they
kiss and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there
together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how
was it?"

The guy says:

(scroll down)


"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!"

[flickn]

What do you call a man' s hand in a horse's ass ?


ammish mechanic

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[starcrossed49]

Don't know how many of you have seen this, but anyways, enjoy.

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

[flickn]

Don't know how many of you have seen this, but anyways, enjoy.

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

hehehehe


reminds me of the naughty night before x-mas story

[Fadingtoblack]

Yeah that's great. Although I assume it's meant to be 'wiping' the shit, instead of 'whipping'

Great joke


fadingtoblack

[starcrossed49]

Here's another one:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bob Garage]

i liked this one...

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall
asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Bob Garage]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a
pond.

He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was
a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he
reached in with his little paw.

The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into
the pond. There was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one
so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the
pond.

The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland
sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked delicious, but it was so
huge that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to get
the sausage.

He ate it and found it very tasty!
.
.
.
.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY.......

The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy!