This one cracked me up something wicked.. dunno why just tickled me where i needed to be tickled
Q. What is the most annoying part of cooking vegetables?
A. Getting the wheelchair into the oven
These all meant at fun and games and i foudn to be quite clever even if a little touchy..
Q. Whats three things ya can't give to an african american?
A. A Black Eye, a Fat Lip and a Job
For kiwis
Q. Why do Maoris play rugby?
A. To get the oranges at halftime.
Q. Whats long and black?
A. The line at the Doll office (benefit)
The Official Joke Thread
Forum rules
Forum Specific Rules
Forum Specific Rules
General Chat. Thats the theme here. Where it wont go anywhere else, it should go here. Everything goes as long as its allowed.
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ragekornbizkit
- Master of Puppets
- Posts: 72
- Joined: Mon May 26, 2003 11:56 pm
- Location: Nelson
- Country: New Zealand
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Hey man, watch your language motherfuck!
"I only hunt babies, baby Deers... I shoot the eggs in the nest. Thats real huntin'!!" - JH
"I only hunt babies, baby Deers... I shoot the eggs in the nest. Thats real huntin'!!" - JH
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ragekornbizkit
- Master of Puppets
- Posts: 72
- Joined: Mon May 26, 2003 11:56 pm
- Location: Nelson
- Country: New Zealand
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Q: why did the pervert cross the road???
A: cause he was stuck in the chciken
Good for telling the boys...
Q: What does a man with a 2 foot cock eat for breakfast?
A: Well this morning i had, 2 boiled eggs.... etc
A: cause he was stuck in the chciken
Good for telling the boys...
Q: What does a man with a 2 foot cock eat for breakfast?
A: Well this morning i had, 2 boiled eggs.... etc
Hey man, watch your language motherfuck!
"I only hunt babies, baby Deers... I shoot the eggs in the nest. Thats real huntin'!!" - JH
"I only hunt babies, baby Deers... I shoot the eggs in the nest. Thats real huntin'!!" - JH
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Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
i liked this one....
The United States government today announced that it is changing its
emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the
government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Hmm, what's this topics I've just found....... 
Fadingtoblack
A man goes hunting in a forest, and after a while he spies a bear. Taking careful aim, he shoots it then makes his way down to check it out. But the bear's gone! After a minute or two of searching, the man feels a tap on his shoulder, he turns slowly to find the bear standing behind him.
"excuse me", says the bear, "did you just shoot me?"
"Um, yes, I did!" Replies the man
"Right..." So the bear grabs the man, throws him over a nearby log, and f*cks him up the arse.
A few weeks later, the man is getting pretty pissed off, his mates are giving him shit, so he goes to the gun shop and buys himself a new double barrelled shotgun, deciding he'll teach that bear who's boss.
Back in the forest, after a couple of hours he spots the bear, takes aim, and nails him with both barrels.
Quickly the man hurries down to where the bear fell, only to discover that again it was missing. A few minutes of searching later, he feels another tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he finds the bear standing behind him again.
"excuse me", says the bear, "did you just shoot me?"
"Yes! yes, I did!" Replies the man smugly.
"Right..." So the bear grabs the man, throws him over a nearby log, and f*cks him up the arse again.
A few weeks later, the man is practically foaming at the mouth, he decides he's going to show this bear, once and for all. So back he goes to the gun shop, and buys the biggest machinegun they have in stock, and back off the forest he goes.
Eventually spotting the bear again, he empties a full clip into the bear, and sprints down to gloat over his victory.
The bear was gone. After a minute of frantic searching, the man gain feels a tap on his shoulder, spinning around, he again faces the bear.
"excuse me", says the bear, "did you just shoot me?"
"Yes, I bloody well did!" Cries the man
The bear shakes it head, "You don't come here for the hunting do you....."
Fadingtoblack
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
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Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
i'd forgotten about this thread.
not exactly a joke, but it is funny!
not exactly a joke, but it is funny!
*it doesn't work all the time, for some unknown reason, but you'll know if it has worked
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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CreepingDave
- Trapped Under 800
- Posts: 669
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 8:01 pm
- Country: Thailand
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Snow
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 514
- Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2003 10:43 pm
- Location: wherever I may roam
- Country: United Kingdom
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
-------------------------
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?” says the hippie.
"Yeah!” say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"
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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
-------------------------
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being
ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The guy says, "Gee, I don't know". The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium". The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The kid (embarrassed) says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought YOU were watching!"
MORAL : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are the same!
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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
-------------------------
A 75-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 21-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we..."
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday, we almost made......."
-------------------------
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
-------------------------
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive."
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift.
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.
Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"
--------------------------
One day a Man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours. "Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you."
The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home. At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the manbends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
--------------------------
A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."
--------------------------
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
--------------------------
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.
Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. "All right:, she said, "let's get you to the hospital."
As they walked outside, their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "where are you and dad going?" The mother said, "We're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear." The boyfriend then asked, "before you go, can I try to dislodge it?" The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, "Our daughter's boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?"
The father replied, "By the smell of his fingers,
our son-in-law"
--------------------------
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his
excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies,
"Tonto...Tonto Goldstein.
--------------------------
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says,
"Pepper."
--------------------------
PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
--------------------------
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches
--------------------------
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect,the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand".
--------------------------
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire." The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger
him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."
--------------------------
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
--------------------------
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire
at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
--------------------------
Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said: agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'
--------------------------
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
--------------------------
Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road,
where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
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An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
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A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
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In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
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A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. understandably, he shot her dead.
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One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was 'taste in clothing'
--------------------------
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was
supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
--------------------------
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your
ticket, not your stub."
--------------------------
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day they meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
--------------------------
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
------------------------
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
a discussion about who enjoyed sex more. The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then
pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your
finger?"
------------------------
Dr. Kinney completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis.""Oh, my!" exclaimed the
embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" "It's possible," replied the M.D., "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
------------------------
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up... suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I may grant you one wish," says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am...I don't need no woman to give me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all... he says "OK, OK... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams.
So the very annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance
------------------------
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when
Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting
really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
------------------------
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep." The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing." "So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
How their lives sucked
How their lives sucked
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about
how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut
me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get
big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick
me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get
big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a
dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I
throw up and pass out!."
---------------------------
PLEASE EXPLAIN
The husband of a couple who have been married for over 20 years, always insisted on turning off the lights every time they made love.
After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of
this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights, looked down ... and
saw her husband holding a penis shape, almost real to life, 9 inch vibrator.
She went completely ballistic. "You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you have lied
to me all of these years? I'm shocked, offended, and feel betrayed. You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "Darling, I'll explain the toy .... You explain the kids".
---------------------------
Top 10 - What If Man Awoke With A Vagina
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if he could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.
---------------------------
Blow job etiquitte for men...
BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does Not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
---------------------------
The Pharmasist
A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The kid says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve".
Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on...
The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".
---------------------------
Need A Hand ?
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the
gas station three blocks down the street."
---------------------------
Olympic Condom
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'
'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver:
It would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
---------------------------
Bar Talk 101
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.)
"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE) (I'm really gay.)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.)
"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 17.)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 2.4 after my last visit here)
---------------------------
Cum On Tap
After much soul searching and having determined the husband
was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff.
You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
---------------------------
Peach Poosey
A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and
he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told
the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man
wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out
the restaurant's specialty.
The waiter said that was the peach poosay, and he would order
it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter.
She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been
quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her
skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out
of her vagina. She picked up the rest of the pieces and did
the same.
The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually
expected to eat the peach after that?"
The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."
---------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring food & Beer.
---------------------------
Whale Job
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." The female whale agreed, so they tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore! The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Quick! Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they get to the shore!"
At this point, he realized the female whale was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
-------------------------
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?” says the hippie.
"Yeah!” say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"
-------------------------
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
-------------------------
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
-------------------------
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
-------------------------
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being
ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
-------------------------
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The guy says, "Gee, I don't know". The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium". The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The kid (embarrassed) says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
-------------------------
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought YOU were watching!"
MORAL : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are the same!
-------------------------
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
-------------------------
A 75-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 21-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we..."
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday, we almost made......."
-------------------------
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
-------------------------
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive."
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift.
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.
Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"
--------------------------
One day a Man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours. "Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you."
The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home. At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the manbends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
--------------------------
A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."
--------------------------
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
--------------------------
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.
Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. "All right:, she said, "let's get you to the hospital."
As they walked outside, their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "where are you and dad going?" The mother said, "We're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear." The boyfriend then asked, "before you go, can I try to dislodge it?" The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, "Our daughter's boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?"
The father replied, "By the smell of his fingers,
our son-in-law"
--------------------------
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his
excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies,
"Tonto...Tonto Goldstein.
--------------------------
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says,
"Pepper."
--------------------------
PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
--------------------------
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches
--------------------------
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect,the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand".
--------------------------
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire." The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger
him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."
--------------------------
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
--------------------------
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire
at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
--------------------------
Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said: agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'
--------------------------
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
--------------------------
Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road,
where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
--------------------------
An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
--------------------------
A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
--------------------------
In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
--------------------------
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. understandably, he shot her dead.
--------------------------
One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was 'taste in clothing'
--------------------------
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was
supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
--------------------------
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your
ticket, not your stub."
--------------------------
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day they meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
--------------------------
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
------------------------
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
a discussion about who enjoyed sex more. The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then
pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your
finger?"
------------------------
Dr. Kinney completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis.""Oh, my!" exclaimed the
embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" "It's possible," replied the M.D., "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
------------------------
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up... suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I may grant you one wish," says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am...I don't need no woman to give me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all... he says "OK, OK... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams.
So the very annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance
------------------------
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when
Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting
really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
------------------------
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep." The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing." "So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
How their lives sucked
How their lives sucked
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about
how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut
me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get
big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick
me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get
big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a
dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I
throw up and pass out!."
---------------------------
PLEASE EXPLAIN
The husband of a couple who have been married for over 20 years, always insisted on turning off the lights every time they made love.
After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of
this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights, looked down ... and
saw her husband holding a penis shape, almost real to life, 9 inch vibrator.
She went completely ballistic. "You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you have lied
to me all of these years? I'm shocked, offended, and feel betrayed. You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "Darling, I'll explain the toy .... You explain the kids".
---------------------------
Top 10 - What If Man Awoke With A Vagina
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if he could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.
---------------------------
Blow job etiquitte for men...
BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does Not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
---------------------------
The Pharmasist
A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The kid says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve".
Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on...
The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".
---------------------------
Need A Hand ?
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the
gas station three blocks down the street."
---------------------------
Olympic Condom
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'
'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver:
It would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
---------------------------
Bar Talk 101
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.)
"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE) (I'm really gay.)
"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.)
"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 17.)
"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 2.4 after my last visit here)
---------------------------
Cum On Tap
After much soul searching and having determined the husband
was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff.
You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
---------------------------
Peach Poosey
A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and
he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told
the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man
wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out
the restaurant's specialty.
The waiter said that was the peach poosay, and he would order
it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter.
She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been
quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her
skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out
of her vagina. She picked up the rest of the pieces and did
the same.
The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually
expected to eat the peach after that?"
The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."
---------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring food & Beer.
---------------------------
Whale Job
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." The female whale agreed, so they tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore! The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Quick! Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they get to the shore!"
At this point, he realized the female whale was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
We spit on those who choose to pose... we'll thrash with all the rest
-
Snow
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 514
- Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2003 10:43 pm
- Location: wherever I may roam
- Country: United Kingdom
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Poor Choice of Words
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
---------------------------
Golf Club Grip
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's manhood." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
"Not bad," says the golf pro, "now try taking the club out of your mouth."
---------------------------
Quickies
Q. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
A. When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A. Her navel.
Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings most likely.
---------------------------
More Quick Laughs
Q. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A. Nudity.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 kilos.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
---------------------------
Talented Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus. "He
can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says
that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't
play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus. Immediately
the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy
Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays the
trumpet
better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the
Octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused
look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?"
The Octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to
f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pyjamas off.."
---------------------------
10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
---------------------------
Horny Prisoner
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up
the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the
neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the
husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a
lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him
satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill
us.
Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
---------------------------
Autopsy Class
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?
---------------------------
The Koala Bear Defined
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders.
She said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed her, "Eats bush and leaves."
---------------------------
The Parrot
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird,
I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only
$20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a
brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,
"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having
a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and
squawks at the woman "F---me, a new brothel and a new
madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says
the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes"
complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and
have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f---- me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but
the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
---------------------------
Caught In The Act
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed.
"Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!"
While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend.
"Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
---------------------------
Convict On The Loose
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
---------------------------
Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
---------------------------
A Hair In There
A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a
bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of
it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then
storms out of there.
The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse.
She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he
stiffed her on the tab and tip.
So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his
head buried between the prostitute's legs.
"LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl
of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth
full of em!"
He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and
says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a
noodle in here I ain't payin' for this som' bitch neither!"
---------------------------
A Girl's Best Friends
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
---------------------------
Only a Virgin
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
---------------------------
Hmmmmmm...
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voices
aid, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife".
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
---------------------------
Doggy Style
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
---------------------------
Tell your momma
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a US shopping mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen
an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up
in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a drop-dead-gorgeous, voluptuous,
well-groomed 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. with a dazzling
smile.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Go get your mother."
---------------------------
Daddy's Home
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
---------------------------
Fireman Sex
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
---------------------------
I Know The Whole Truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
---------------------------
Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
---------------------------
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
---------------------------
Golf Club Grip
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's manhood." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
"Not bad," says the golf pro, "now try taking the club out of your mouth."
---------------------------
Quickies
Q. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
A. When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A. Her navel.
Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings most likely.
---------------------------
More Quick Laughs
Q. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A. Nudity.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 kilos.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
---------------------------
Talented Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus. "He
can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says
that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't
play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus. Immediately
the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy
Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays the
trumpet
better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the
Octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused
look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?"
The Octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to
f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pyjamas off.."
---------------------------
10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
---------------------------
Horny Prisoner
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up
the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the
neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the
husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a
lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him
satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill
us.
Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
---------------------------
Autopsy Class
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?
---------------------------
The Koala Bear Defined
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders.
She said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed her, "Eats bush and leaves."
---------------------------
The Parrot
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird,
I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only
$20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a
brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,
"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having
a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and
squawks at the woman "F---me, a new brothel and a new
madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says
the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes"
complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and
have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f---- me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but
the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
---------------------------
Caught In The Act
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed.
"Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!"
While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend.
"Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
---------------------------
Convict On The Loose
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
---------------------------
Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
---------------------------
A Hair In There
A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a
bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of
it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then
storms out of there.
The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse.
She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he
stiffed her on the tab and tip.
So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his
head buried between the prostitute's legs.
"LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl
of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth
full of em!"
He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and
says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a
noodle in here I ain't payin' for this som' bitch neither!"
---------------------------
A Girl's Best Friends
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
---------------------------
Only a Virgin
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
---------------------------
Hmmmmmm...
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voices
aid, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife".
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
---------------------------
Doggy Style
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
---------------------------
Tell your momma
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a US shopping mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen
an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up
in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a drop-dead-gorgeous, voluptuous,
well-groomed 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. with a dazzling
smile.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Go get your mother."
---------------------------
Daddy's Home
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
---------------------------
Fireman Sex
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
---------------------------
I Know The Whole Truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
---------------------------
Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
---------------------------
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.
We spit on those who choose to pose... we'll thrash with all the rest
-
Doin
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 519
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 8:08 am
- Location: Melbourne
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
I know these may be a bit old but enjoy anyway...
And this one...WHAT PORNO WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE!!!
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will
not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy roots.
11. People in the 70's couldn't root unless there was a wild guitar
solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take
his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there are two men they "high five" each other(and the girl
isn't disgusted!).
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman
by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best
friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before rooting the both of
you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for
all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one
hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other
proudly on his hip.
AndMEMORANDUM FROM OSAMA BIN LADEN
MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All AlQuieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come
together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting
up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in team" as well as the
Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very humorous.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care
of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
1st of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,
we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety
issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the
cleaning rota...........have you? I've posted a sign up sheet near
the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
2nd, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying
to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while
we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the
background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing just while we're taping.
Thanks.
3rd: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy"
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea
slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
4th: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must
distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games. Please
do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" everytime I ride past on the
donkey. Thanks
Last, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for
them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets
- Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.
Also a bit old but...1997 World Women's Conference
At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from
England stood up:
"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have
to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb dinner." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that
I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his
own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up:
"After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that
I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it
himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my
left eye."
AND...The Top 10 Thing We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu", Say In The Next Star Wars Prequel.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the
motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely,
positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room
...accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the motherfucker's a carpet.
Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a
wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker"
on it.
Lost
A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: "Well, one time I was lost........"
And for the Aussies...DANDENONG BID FOR THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES
DANDENONG IS TO MAKE A BID FOR THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES
In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been somewhat modified. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Cranbourne,Frankston,Broadmeadows, Thomastown and Sunshine etc. (Add Bayswater to that list)
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the City wearing traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and moccasins with his defacto wearing the traditional floral leggins and short top with oversized stomach and fat backside.
THE EVENTS
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR under one arm and a microwave under the other and on the sound of the starting pistol a Police Dog will be released 10 meters behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES
As above with the added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden fences and walls.
HAMMERTHROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge ect.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the timeframe allowed.
SHOOTING EVENTS
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving police vehicle, the second targets will consist of running bank Tellers, Video store Attendant and 24-hour service Station Attendants.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday Night. The husband will be given 15 pots of VB at the local pub followed by a quick peek in a lap-dancing venue. The wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, boob tube and thongs.
CYCLING
The competitor will attend the nominated City skateboard area where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Scotch College or Mentone Boys Grammar student. They then will be racing against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at time of theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor Vehicle, Arson and Wilful Exposure.
MENS 50km WALK
Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dandenong.
GYMNASTICS
The traditional 4-inch beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Dandenong Hotel. This event will commence at closing time - we expect some extremely difficult dismounts to be performed on the apparatus. The floor routines will be held directly after this event at the Dandenong Police Watchhouse.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the local Torres Straight Islander group accompanied by other local artists well known within the area. the Olympic flame will be extinguished by the same local identities urinating from the local spire in a cascading effect.The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes and entertainers break into it and remove all copper piping, light fittings and air conditioners.
One Nation Membership Form
Name: ________________
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Polly
(_) Billy-Pauline
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic/ Taxi Driver
(_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner
(_) Skinhead
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Brother
(_) Aunt (_) Uncle
(_) Cousin (_) Mother
(_) Father (_) Son
(_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name:_______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure,
leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your caravan? (Check
appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ ute
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your Ute: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The Truth (_) Exposure
(_) TV Week (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Guns & Ammo (_) Lock,Stock & Barrel
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 km
(_)2 km
(_)5 km
(_)don't know
-
Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
For that last one, apart for the One Nation line, and the occupation, I'd say that would apply more to the yanks than us. Especially the firearm parts, as it's pretty strict down here. 
That Osama letter was a pisser though
Fadingtoblack
That Osama letter was a pisser though
Fadingtoblack
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University