The Official Joke Thread

[Doin]

It was probably adapted from a KKK/Redneck joke.

[Bob Garage]

AP Announcement on Terror alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

It was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their White Flag factories, disabling their Military.

[Fadingtoblack]

AP Announcement on Terror alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

It was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their White Flag factories, disabling their Military.

.......And it's so true


Fadingtoblack

[Mechanix]

These may be 2 weird jokes, but IMO they are hilarious

"What does Michael Jackson have in common with a Gamecube?"

Answer: Kids Turn Them On

"Why was Michael Jackson In, the Boy's clothes section?"

Answer: He heard little boy pants were half off

[Doin]

Q. What did the cow say to the farmer?

A. "Stop playing with my tits and fuck me!"

[Bob Garage]

topical....

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George asks him what his name is.

"Billy".

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without
the support of the UN? Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got
more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume, George
says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a
question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and
asks him what his name is.

"Steve".

"And what is your question, Steve?".

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without
the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got
more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why
did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened
to Billy?"

[Bob Garage]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

[Fadingtoblack]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

And the worst thing is:- It's ALL true!


Fadingtoblack

[Superhansen]

Having read through the last page of this thread, I hereby name Bob Garage the funniest guy on these boards, although that porn thing in Doin's post cracked me up as well!

[Bob Garage]

some more for you...

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for many years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die,"
he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With
his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to
his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"