The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

Just received from my friend:

> > A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.
>There
> > on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
> > "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
> > The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
> > "OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
> > The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It
>two
> > o'clock."
> > The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
> > The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying
> > on a blanket. "Don't tell me... You're telling time also?"
> > The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time." "Okay smart
> > ass, what time is it?"
> > The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It four
> > o'clock."
> > The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he
> > comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are
> > telling time!"
> > Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch."

Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

long one this, with a few funny pictures thrown in for good measure....

i've had to split it into two posts to get the pictures in.....


Family Tree



Hi there...this is me. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart a lot.



This is my mom. She has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.



This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.



My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.



My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are going fishing.



This is my dad’s truck. The bloodstains inside are almost all gone.



My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking an eggbeater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.



We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name.



My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.



This is my older sister Sue Ellen. She has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

[Bob Garage]

Family Tree
Part Two



Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.



This is Buck. He is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.



This is my sister’s boyfriend for now. His name is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.



This is Michael. He used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.



These are 2 kids we throw stuff at. There used to be 3 of them. Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff any more.



Jake holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmet.



My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.



This is my stepbrother Phil. He had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.



This is our cousin Wayne Rooney who lives in England.

[Fadingtoblack]

That's classic

Here's some funny pics of my own....



Sound familiar anyone?


Dumb press


Hmmmm....


Check that topic at metfuk mate, I'm sure someone there will be able to help you out


Fadingtoblack

[sjmike]

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle
exhorting you to send money.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you, anyway.

[sjmike]

********************************************
The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets."

The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"

"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"

********************************************

Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees.

********************************************
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

********************************************
HELL HATH NO FURY..
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs
to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


********************************************

"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"
"Who cares? Just pack them and get out."

********************************************

"Jane, if I died, would you marry again?"
"Yes."
"And would you let him into my house?"
"Sure."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Nope."
"Really? Why not?"
"Because he's left-handed."

********************************************
WHO WEARS THE PANTS?
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said,

'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

[Fadingtoblack]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne! "
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day The nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary Car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."
"That's great", replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's In Melbourne!"


Fadingtoblack

[CreepingDave]

[Mechanix]

"Why was Michael Jackson looking at boy's pants at the grocery store??"

Anser: He heard boys pants were "Half off"


A kids joke.

[Bob Garage]

christmas themed....

Let me tell you about a different form of Christmas tale ...

A few years back three mates decided as it's coming up to Christmas time that they would all go on the town. They put their best fashionable outfits on, jumped into their car and headed to the bright lights. After touring a few bars they hit the night club, where they met three absolutely gorgeous girls. Cutting a long story short they all got on famously and returned to the girls flat for a bit of sordid fun.

When the guys finished, they got into their car and unfortunately met their demise whilst travelling home.

They all traipsed up to heaven where St Peter met them and stated that normally people like them go to the other place, however, as it's Christmas he will be lenient. The condition he imposed was that they should show him an item that relates to Christmas.

The first lad fumbled in his pockets and bought out a lighter.

St Peter asks in disbelief 'How does that relate to Christmas?'

The lad responds it represents a candle. Hence, St Peter lets him in.

The second lad fumbled in his pockets and bought out a set of keys.

St Peter in even greater disbelief asks 'How does that relate to Christmas?'

The lad responds it represents jingle bells. Hence, St Peter let him in as well.

At this point the third lad started to fumble in his pockets and bought out a pair of knickers.

St Peter asks 'Now that really is pushing it. How does that relate to Christmas?'

The lad responds their Carol's