The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

and another...

CHRISTMAS ANGEL

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Bob Garage]

>A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
>bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
>bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
>and tried to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite words,
>playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to clean
>up the bird's vocabulary.
>Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
>yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
>ruder. In desperation he grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
>
>For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
>suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing
>that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
>The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
>"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
>I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do
>my utmost to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
>
>John was stunned. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such
>a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what
>the turkey did?"

[Bob Garage]

a few more for you all....

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the
pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I
had tennis elbow once."

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro
to a match, with a £100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer,
"since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to
spot
me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club
members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer £100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the
first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you
ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

A wife was becoming quite worried because her husband had not arrived
home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours
passed she became more and more nervous. Finally, at about 8 p.m., her
husband's golfing partner, Bob pulled into the driveway.

"What happened? You guys should have been back hours ago! Where's
Frank?" asked the wife.

"Well, you see," replied Bob, "Frank had a heart attack at the third
hole. Now don't worry, I took him to the hospital and he's going to be
fine."

"Oh, my God, that's terrible, my poor Frank, to think about how he
must have been suffering through all that pain," sobbed the wife.

"Oh?" Bob responded, "you think HE had it bad? What about me? How
do you think I feel? Do you think I had it easy? All day long it was...
"...hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything
to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and
that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a
good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the
difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer
shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win
this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer
walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no
sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the golf course and I was
beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when
a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker...

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee
kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,
the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the
men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window
directly at the person with the mike and shouted back...

"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the f#$% up and let
me play my second shot!"

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier
carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden
who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they
are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these
lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the
end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish
without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you
don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the
water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will
come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

A huge college freshman figured he'd try
out for the football team. "Can you tackle?"
asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering
it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can
you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over
nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you
pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated
for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said,
"If I can swallow it, I can probably pass
it."

[Bob Garage]

just got this one, class

[Fadingtoblack]

About time I got off my arse and contributed to my own thread eh?

From various emails:

>Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
>her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses
>in
>agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing
>profusely,
>explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
>"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies
>quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to
>help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts
>massaging his genitals.
>"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
>"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits.
>"But my thumb still hurts like hell."

>> > TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Question 1:
>> >
>> > >If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
>>three
>>who were
>> >
>> > >deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
>>syphilis, would
>> >
>> > >you recommend that she have an abortion?
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Read the next question before looking at the answer for this
>>one.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Question 2:
>> >
>> > >It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
>>counts.
>>Here are
>> >
>> > >the facts about the three leading candidates.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Candidate A -
>> >
>> > >Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
>>astrologists.
>> >
>> > >He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
>>10
>>martinis a
>> >
>> > >day.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Candidate B -
>> >
>> > >He was kicked ou t of office twice, sleeps until
>> >
>> > >noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey
>>every
>>evening.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Candidate C -
>> >
>> > >He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
>>drinks an
>> >
>> > >occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Which of these candidates would be your Choice?
>> >
>> > >Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >----------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
>> >
>> > >Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
>> >
>> > >Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you
>>said
>>yes, you
>> >
>> > >just killed Beethoven.
>> >
>> > >Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before
>>judging
>>someone.
>> >
>> > >Never be afraid to try something new.
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Remember:
>> >
>> > >Amateurs built the Ark
>> >
>> > >Professionals built the Titanic
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >and in case you never saw this one..! ...
>> >
>> > >Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
>>than
>>500
>> >
>> > >employees and has the following statistics:
>> >
>> > >* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
>> >
>> > >* 7 have been arrested for fraud
>> >
>> > >* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
>> >
>> > >* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
>>businesses
>> >
>> > >* 3 have done time for assault
>> >
>> > >* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
>> >
>> > >* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
>> >
>> > >* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
>> >
>> > >* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
>> >
>> > >* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
>> >
>> > >Can you guess which organization this is?
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >Give up yet?
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >
>> >
>> > >It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
>>group
>>of idiots
>> >
>> > >that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
>>keep the
>>rest of
>> >
>> > >us in line.

File these in the There But for the Grace of God ...
>>>>department
>>>> >
>>>> > CALL CENTRE JOBS:
>>>> >
>>>> > A LONG-SUFFERING OPERATOR offers this response to people who
>>>>wonder why
>>>> > they
>>>> > are paid so much just for just being on the phone.
>>>> >
>>>> > TAKE A LOOK:
>>>> >
>>>> > 1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
>>>>Desktop."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer "OK."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "No."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
>>>>menu?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer "No."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
>>>>to this
>>>> > point?"
>>>> > Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click', and I wrote
>>>>'click'."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I
>>>>am still
>>>> > getting the same error message."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
>>>> > Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to
>>>>work?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 3). Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
>>>>says."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
>>>>disk'."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer:: "What?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "No..."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 4) Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: ?!%#$
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 5) Tech Support:: "OK, in the bottom-left-hand side of the
>>>>screen, can you
>>>> > see the 'OK' button displayed?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
>>>> > there?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
>>>>Customer:: "A white
>>>> > one."
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>===================================================================
======
>>>> > =
>>>> >
>>>> > 8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer:
>>>>"A stuffed
>>>> > animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "Pentium."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 11). Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 12). Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > 13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need
>>>>to print a
>>>> > document, but the computer won't boot properly."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support: "What does it say?"
>>>> > Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
>>>>inside?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
>>>>inside."
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem.
>>>>We're open 24
>>>> > hours."
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech Support:: "Well?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>>==================================================================
>>>> >
>>>> > 16). A plainly computer-illiterate rings tech support to
>>>>report that his
>>>> > computer is faulty.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: What's the problem?
>>>> >
>>>> > User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
>>>> >
>>>> > User: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace
>>>>it.
>>>> >
>>>> > User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
>>>>start-up
>>>> > and
>>>> > it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
>>>>command.
>>>> > .
>>>> > Ten minutes later, the user is still adamant that he is right.
>>>>The tech is
>>>> > frustrated and fed-up.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this,
>>>>but there is
>>>> > an
>>>> > undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
>>>> >
>>>> > User: I knew it!
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
>>>>CONFIG.SYS. Let
>>>> > me know how it goes.
>>>> >
>>>> > 10 minutes later.
>>>> >
>>>> > User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
>>>> >
>>>> > User: MS-DOS 6.22.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't
>>>>come with
>>>> > NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will
>>>>give you the
>>>> > file. Let me know how it goes.
>>>> >
>>>> > 1 hour later.
>>>> >
>>>> > User: I need a new power supply.
>>>> >
>>>> > Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
>>>> > User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him what you said, and
>>>>he started
>>>> > asking questions about the make of power supply.
>>>> > Tech: Then what did he say?
>>>> > User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with
>>>>NOSMOKE.

>>> >A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
>>> >
>>> > >bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate
>>>that she
>>> >decides to
>>> >
>>> >ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me.
>>>I've lost my
>>> >
>>> >business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
>>>house as
>>>well.
>>> >
>>> >Please let me win the lottery."
>>> >
>>> >Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've
>>>lost my
>>> >business, my house
>>> >
>>> >and I'm going to lose my car as well.
>>> >
>>> >Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?
>>> >
>>> >I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are
>>>starving.
>>> >
>>> >I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good
>>> >
>>> >to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I
>>>can get my
>>> >life back in order."
>>> >
>>> >Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
>>> >
>>> >The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

GREAT MOMENTS IN CRICKET:

>1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
>
>When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
>wicket with the immortal words:
>"So how's your wife & my kids?"
>
>
>2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
>
>As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
>waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you
>spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
>
>
>3. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
>
>After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
>politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" "Cos every time I
>f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.
>
>
>4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
>
>During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:
>"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the
>boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you
>can't f**king bowl."
>
>5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
>
>During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few
>balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as
>he ran past the departing batsman.
>
>
>6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
>
>During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv,
>but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my
>culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv
>didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:
>"In my culture we just say f**k *ff."
>
>
>7. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
>
>After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock
>told
>Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5
>ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of
>the ground. Ponting to Pollock:
>"you know what it looks like, now go find it."
>
>
>8. And of course you can't forget
>
>Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel
>microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
>hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for
>being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"
>
>
>9. Can't remember the player or the exact details
>but went something like Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new
>player to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I
>remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then,
>you're f**king useless now". Kiwi - (Turning around) - "Yeah, that's me
>& when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I
>hear you've married her. You dumb c**t".

>A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
>He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
>was.
>Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to
>her and noticed she was looking at two Daddy Longlegs mating.
>"Daddy, what are they doing?" she asked.
>"They're mating," her father replied.
>"What do you call the one on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy
>Longlegs," her father answered.
>"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
>"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
>The little girl thought for a moment-then took her foot and stomped
>them flat.
>
>"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden."

>>
>>
>>
>>> > > > After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that
>>>was
>>>enough,
>>> > >as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
>>>his
>>> > >doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have
>>>any more
>>>
>>> > >children.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
>>>vasectomy that
>>>would
>>> > >fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
>>>alternative was
>>> > >to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can,
>>>then hold
>>>
>>> > >the can
>>>up
>>> > >to his ear and count to 10.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the
>>> > > > smartest
>>>guy
>>> > >in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer
>>>can
>>> > >next
>>>to
>>> > >my ear is going to help me."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer
>>>can. He
>>> > > > held
>>>the
>>> > >can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
>>>which point
>>>
>>> > >he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
>>>continue
>>>counting
>>> > >on his other hand.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and
>>>South
>>>Australia

>An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a
>day
>of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
>scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
>did
>it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is
>that you just served?"
>
>The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
>bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
>
>The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm
>on
>vacation! Bring me an order!"
>
>The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
>per
>day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
>early
>tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
>delicacy!"
>
>The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then
>that
>evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
>After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
>called
>to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much,
>much
>smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
>
>The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes
>the
>bull wins."

>
>In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head
>of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and
>$180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than
>the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
>
>After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
>study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded
>that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
>
>Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
>After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it
>was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the
>forehead.

More to come


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

great one this....

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

Dear Audrey:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey?

I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a s*x aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.

I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is?

Luke

and another...

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?".

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

You'll love this!!!) .........................

..........................................................

..........................................................

..........................................................

..........................................................

..........................................................

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

and another....

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Muslims".

[Fadingtoblack]

A few more:

>An elderly couple were driving across the country.
>The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway
>patrol.
>The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
>
>The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did
>he
>say?"
>The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
>
>The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
>The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
>The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
>The woman gave the officer her license.
>
>The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time
>there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
>seen."
>
>The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
>
>And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
>

This one is just too funny:

>Leaving The Toilet Seat Up
>
>
>Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
>
>Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
>that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that
>all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming
>for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just
>start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.
>
>You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
>penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
>(because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the
>toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of
>toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
>'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
>
>After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
>allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down
>and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
>Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and
>either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the
>toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me
>in my sleep.
>
>Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
>because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
>classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
>problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the
>dreaded "morning wood."
>
>Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire
>to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no
>matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it
>don't bend you can't aim.
>
>Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over
>the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist
>on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn
>fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by
>itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet
>seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.
>
>Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
>here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat
>with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress
>that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to
>pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without
>warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
>off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a
>fuzzy, it's just not safe.
>
>I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
>told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you
>to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
>toilet with "morning wood."
>
>Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
>before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels
>hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting
>down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you
>start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of
>the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back
>of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn
>matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in
>front of the toilet.
>
>I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
>urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply
>laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice,
>perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way
>to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
>
>So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
>blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
>cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
>control.
>
>It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father
>Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

>>TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO HAVE HAD ENOUGH
>> >
>> >
>> > Five Questions Feared by Men
>> > 1. What are you thinking about?
>> > 2. Do you love me?
>> > 3. Do I look fat?
>> > 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
>> > 5. What would you do if I died?
>> >
>> > What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
>>guaranteed
>>to
>> > explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly
>>(i.e.,tells
>> > the
>> > truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
>>analysed
>>below,
>> > along with possible responses.
>> > _______________________________________________
>> > Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
>> > The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've
>>been
>>pensive,
>> > dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
>>thoughtful,
>>caring,
>> > intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
>> > This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
>>which
>> > most
>> > likely is one of the following:
>> > a. Football.
>> > b. Nothing.
>> > c. How fat you are.
>> > d. How much prettier she is than you.
>> > e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> >
>> > Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
>>Bundy,
>>who
>> > once
>> > told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would
>>be
>>talking
>> > to you."
>> > ___________________________________________
>> > Question # 2: Do you love me?
>> > The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
>>answer
>>is
>> > in
>> > order, "Yes, dear."
>> > Inappropriate responses include:
>> > a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
>> > b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
>> > c. That depends on what you mean by love.
>> > d. Does it matter?
>> > e. Who, me?
>> > ____________________________________________________
>> > Question # 3: Do I look fat?
>> > The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
>>incorrect
>> > answers are:
>> > a. Compared to what?
>> > b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
>> > c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
>> > d. I've seen fatter.
>> > e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
>>
>>how
>> >
>> > I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > ____________________________________________________
>> > Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
>> > Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
>> >
>> > Incorrect responses include:
>> > a. Yes, but you have a better personality
>> > b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
>> > c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
>> > d. Define pretty
>> > e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
>>
>>how
>> >
>> > I would spend the insurance money if you died.
>> > ____________________________________________________
>> > Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
>> > A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy
>>a
>> > Porsche
>> > and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
>>least
>>an
>> > hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
>> > WOMAN: Would you get married again?
>> > MAN: Definitely not!
>> > WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
>> > MAN: Of course I do.
>> > WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>> > MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
>> > WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>> > MAN: ( makes audible groan )
>> > WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>> > MAN: Where else would we sleep?
>> > WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
>>pictures
>>of
>> > her?
>> > MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>> > WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>> > MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
>> > WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
>> > MAN: shit

>> > There was a little boy sitting on the curb in front of his house. In
>> > one
>> > hand he held a package of M&Ms and in the other a cat. Well, the nosey
>> > neighbor across the street noticed him sitting there on the curb, and
>> > wondered what he was doing.
>> >
>> > Closer observation of the little boy brought shock at the sight. Little
>> > Bobby would put an M&M in his mouth, bite the cat on the butt, and then
>> > scoot down the curb a little bit.
>> >
>> > The neighbor stared with wonder as little Bobby kept doing the same
> thing
>> > over and over again. He would put an M&M in his mouth, then bite the
>> > cat
>> > on the butt, and proceed to scoot down the curb a little further each
>> > time.
>> >
>> > The neighbor, now growing more concerned, started to walk towards
>> > little
>> > Bobby when he did it again. He put an M&M in his mouth, bit the cat on
> the
>> > butt, and scooted further down the curb.
>> >
>> > When the neighbor reached little Bobby he said, "What are you doing
> there
>> > little Bobby?"
>> >
>> > Bobby said, with a shrug. "Oh. Just playin Truck Driver."
>> >
>> > "Truck Driver?" asked the neighbor in perplexity.
>> >
>> > "Yes," Bobby answered quite casually. "I'm poppin' pills, eatin pussy,
> and
>> > movin on down the road."

>> > Just the job
>> > A bloke goes into the employment office in Melbourne for a look
> through
>> > the job
>> > vacancies. Which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as
>> > he's about to give up and go away, he spots something.
>> >
>> > "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own
>> > scissors. $500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."
>> >
>> > Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note
> of
>> > the reference number and fronts up at the counter.
>> >
>> > "I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number
>> > E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."
>> > Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in
>> > Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they
>> > supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on
> the
>> > catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of
>> > pubic
>> > hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
>> > It
>> > involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London,
> that
>> > sort of thing, and you have to get used to living in first-class
>> > hotels........"
>> >
>> > "I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really
>> > like to apply for the job."
>> >
>> > The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail
>> > ticket to Ballarat".
>> >
>> > "Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke. "Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go
> to
>> > Ballarat for?"
>> >
>> > "Well", says the clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the
>> > moment."

Note for non-Aussies: Ballarat is a good few hours away from Melbourne

>>>>After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some
>> > >>>>cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
>> > >>>>youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too
> low
>> > >>>>and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,
>> > >>>>with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with
>> > a
>> > >>>>nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank
>> > >>>>slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find
>> > >>>>three roses at the end of her bed.
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse,
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've
> received
>> > >>>>them."
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the
>> > >>>>operation went so well and you were such a model patient that
> he
>> > >>>>wanted to say thanks".
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the
>> > operation
>> > >>>>was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
> Apparently
>> > >>>>it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and
> he's
>> > >>>>very excited!".
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the
>> > nurse.
>> > >>>>
>> > >>>>"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

>> A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery
>> > >>were staring
>> > >> at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting
>> > >>depicted three
>> > >> black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the
> men
>> > >>had black
>> > >> penises but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.
>> > >>
>> > >> The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were
>> > >>having
>> > >> trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his
>> > >>assessment. He went
>> > >> on
>> > >> and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
>> > >> sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly
>> > >>white,
>> > >> patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious
>> > >>critics
>> > >> believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and
>> > >>sociological
>> > >> oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
>> > >>
>> > >> After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and
>> > >>said,
>> > >> Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
>> > >> "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
>> > >>curator of the
>> > >> Gallery?" asked the couple.
>> > >> "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact,
>> > >>there is no
>> > >> African-American representation at all. They're just three
>> > >>Scottish
>> > >> coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

More to come....

[dmegametal#1]

i bet there is a lot more..

[Fadingtoblack]

i bet there is a lot more..

Ah what the hell, have one more, consider yourselves spoilt today

>> >> A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with
>> >> the
>> >> same female boss. Every day, they noticed that their boss left work
>> >> early.?
>> >>
>> >> One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right
>> >> behind her.
>> >>
>> >> After all, she never called in or came back to the office
>> >> when she left early, so how was she to know?
>> >>
>> >> The next day, all three left the office right after the boss?
>> >>
>> >> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening
>> >> and went to bed early.
>> >>
>> >> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym
>> >> before meeting her dinner date.
>> >>
>> >> The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the
>> >> bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she
>> >> cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with
>> >> HER BOSS
>> >>
>> >> Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of the house.
>> >>
>> >> The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they
> were
>> >> leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
>> >>
>> >> "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday."

[Invaders]

here we have some cool pictures