blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
The Official Joke Thread
Forum rules
Forum Specific Rules
Forum Specific Rules
General Chat. Thats the theme here. Where it wont go anywhere else, it should go here. Everything goes as long as its allowed.
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Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A couple more to keep you all going 
:
:> >A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
> >playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
> >train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get
> >the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you
> >bastards, who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because we're
> >going down the tracks".
> >
> >The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
> >of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay
> >there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
> >but I want you to use nice language."
> >
> >Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
> >with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
> >say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
> >take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with
> >us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little
> >boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
> >your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
> >train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
> >today."
> >
> >As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
> >pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the
> >kitchen."
Summer Olympic Commentator Bloopers
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
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Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Wow this had slipped off page one! I'll fix that....
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667
Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline". "It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed wind.
He may not know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00?
"How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the Duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
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Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Nobody else got any jokes? Ah well....
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[moron]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield(London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group !
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[They taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[enough said!]
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
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Fadingtoblack
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 6:36 am
- Location: Melbourne, Australia
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
It's perfectly obvious that all these conflicts here lately are due to no one posting here anymore, isn't it? 
Don't worry though, I'm here to save the day:
"Remember, there's always someone dumber than you..."
Don't worry though, I'm here to save the day:
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.
Between them they could only raise the staggering sum of one pound.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two shots of Whiskey.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me
knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage when they threw us out of the third pub."
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
There standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if
you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
Feeling better? Well to make sure, here's a bit of a confidence booster:A business man sent this fax to his wife:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 60 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you, and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed as I shall be back home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
"My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 60 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although, with one small difference: 18 goes into 60 more often than 60 goes into18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."
"Remember, there's always someone dumber than you..."
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
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MasterSandman II
- Disposable Hero
- Posts: 201
- Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2004 5:02 am
- Location: Cold Lake, AB
- Country: Canada
Re: The Official Joke Thread
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little queaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little queaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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Leighton
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 1963
- Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2005 3:41 am
- Location: In a Snakepit
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Since blonde jokes are in:
Three women, a brunette, a red-head and a blonde were sitting in a doctor's waiting room. They were there for results of their ultra-sounds. The blonde listened in when the red-head turned to the brunette and said, "I'm don't need the doctor's opinion. I'm having a boy."
"How on Earth do you know that?" the brunette replied.
"Well, I was on the bottom when we conceived. In all my experience, that tells me it'll be a boy," she answered.
"Really?!" the brunette exclaimed proudly. "Well that means I'm having a girl cause I was on top when my husband and I conceived!"
The blonde was worried, suddenly she burst into tears and had to be comforted by the two happy ladies.
"What's wrong?" they asked the crying blonde.
"I think I'm having puppies."
Three women, a brunette, a red-head and a blonde were sitting in a doctor's waiting room. They were there for results of their ultra-sounds. The blonde listened in when the red-head turned to the brunette and said, "I'm don't need the doctor's opinion. I'm having a boy."
"How on Earth do you know that?" the brunette replied.
"Well, I was on the bottom when we conceived. In all my experience, that tells me it'll be a boy," she answered.
"Really?!" the brunette exclaimed proudly. "Well that means I'm having a girl cause I was on top when my husband and I conceived!"
The blonde was worried, suddenly she burst into tears and had to be comforted by the two happy ladies.
"What's wrong?" they asked the crying blonde.
"I think I'm having puppies."
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Last updated 2012-06-28
Leighton Bootlegs*
Last updated 2010-02-26
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METALLICA, INC.
Last updated 2012-06-28
Leighton Bootlegs*
Last updated 2010-02-26
*Old website
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even13flow
- Phantom Lord
- Posts: 846
- Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:50 pm
- Location: Rock Falls, IL
- Country: United States
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Did you hear the one about Kurt Cobain and Nirvana?
Q: Do you know the title of Kurt Cobain's first solo album?
A: Plugged
Q: What was the title of Nirvana's last album?
A: "Smells like Black Powder"
Q: What was Kurt Cobain's last hit?
A: The Floor
"And I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun." (from "Come As You Are." Guess he did.)
Q: What did Kurt do when he got to the top?
A: He self-destructed.
Kurt -- the first victim of the Brady bill.
That last week must have sucked, eh?
Q: What does Kurt Cobain and the group Nine Inch Nails have in common?
A: A Head Like A Hole!
I heard that Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) is going to re-release "Head Like A Hole" in memorial of Kurt Cobain.
Q: What did Mrs. Cobain say when they couldn't identify Kurt's body?
A: Smells like Kurt's body (to me).
Q: What does Kurt Cobain smell like now?
A: I don't know but it's sure not Teen Spirit.
Q: Why can't you tell any secrets to Kurt Cobain?
A: He'll go shooting off his mouth.
Q: Why did Nirvana never let Kurt talk to the press?
A: He kept shooting his mouth off.
You know, Kurt Cobain would have had a great career -- if he didn't go shooting off his mouth!
Q: Why was Kurt Cobain so embarrassed?
A: He shot his mouth off once too often.
Q: Did you hear that there is a new drink called the "Cobain"?
A: It's some pills and champagne followed by a shot.
Q: What did Kurt have to drink before he died?
A: A couple of shots.
Q: Why did Kurt stop doing drugs?
A: He needed them like a hole in his head!
Q: Did Kurt completely give up drugs?
A: No, he still liked getting blasted.
Overheard: "I guess he really *was* a headbanger!"
Q: Why is it so easy to read Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: You can see right through his head!
Q: What color are Kurt Cobain's eyes?
A: Blue. ...one blew over there...and one blew...
Q: How do you know Kurt Cobain is committing suicide?
A: His nostrils are flared.
Q: What's the first thing that went through his mind when he pulled the trigger?
A: His nose!
Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A1: Molten Lead
A2: His Teeth
A3: About 8 ounces of lead shot.
A4: "Shit, I thought this was a microphone!"
A5: "Let's see Eddie top this!"
Did you hear Kurt Cobain was on the TV? ...and on the carpet, the walls, the furniture...
Q: What did Courtney Love say when she came home?
A: "Who ordered the pizza?"
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Kurt Cobain?
A: Are you gonna eat that?
Q: What did Kurt Cobain say to the electrician when he arrived?
A: Not much.
Q: What's red and white and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: His wall.
Q: What's red and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him.
Q: What's red and gray and hanging on the wall behind the sofa?
A: Kurt Cobain's brain!
Q: What's got more brains than Kurt Cobain's bedroom wall?
A: The crash barrier at Imola. [ After Senna's fatal crash. ]
Q: What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts?
A: A spatula.
Q: How do Princess Di & Kurt Cobain collect their thoughts?
A: With a shovel.
Q: How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
A: He scrapes them off the wall.
Q: Does Kurt Cobain like other kinds of music?
A: Yes, he's a Dead Head.
Q: What does Kurt Cobain's head have in common with his record sales?
A: They've both gone through the roof.
Overheard: "Record sales of Nirvana albums are doing brisk business thanks to Kurt Cobain's suicide, even though some of his best fans might not be so clear on why he's so big all of a sudden.
One little boy had asked a record store owner what "suicide" meant, to which the merchant answered, "Well, it's like... ventilating your head."
Q: How does Cobain feel about the NBA?
A: He think the Bullets have nowhere to go but up.
Q: Why did Kurt Cobain use a shotgun?
A: Because anacin was too weak.
Q: What is the ultimate gauge of Cobain's success?
A: 12.
Q: What was the best cure for Kurt Cobain's depression?
A: 12 gauge buckshot.
Q: What was the best thing that Kurt Cobain ever released?
A: The safety catch on that gun.
Q: Why did Courtney Love drive?
A: Because Kurt preferred riding shotgun.
Q: What did Kurt say whenever Nirvana went for a ride in a car?
A: "I ride shotgun!"
Q: Why won't they let Kurt Cobain drive convertibles?
A: His head whistles.
Q: What sound did Kurt's shotgun make?
A: Kurt-Kurt Cobain.
Q: What's the best thing about Kurt Cobain?
A: His aim!
Q: Did you hear? Kurt Cobain committed suicide!
A: Now that was a *real* no-brainer.
The rumor said that Kurt was listing to the radio, and there was a tune on it. It was going like this:
"Have an hair cut and get a real job!"
So, Kurt decided to blow his hair, but because of his long bangs he picked a Magnum .44 instead of a brush. Unfortunately, he also missed an hair...
He didn't miss his bang. That was a close shave!
(Well, we know he *wasn't* listening to Def Leppard's "Don't Shoot Shotgun...")
True story: Julianna Hatfield recalled once contemplating suicide.
She then heard a Nirvana song, and changed her mind. Her own lyrics tell the story (song title?):
"Here comes the song, I love it so much.
Makes me wanna go fuck shit up!
I've got Nirvana in my head --
I'm so glad I'm not dead."
Gotta love that irony.
Q: How many Cobains does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to be depressed about it, one to take heroin over it, one to sing a bad song about it, and one to shoot it.
Q: How many members of Nirvana does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hopefully, not more than two.
Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
A: Two more bullets...
Q: Why were there only two pallbearers at his funeral?
A: There's only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: And what will they bury Kurt in?
A: A heart-shaped box, har har har.
Q: How many times does it take Kurt Cobain to kill himself?
A: Two, if you want it done right.
Q: What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and John Bonham?
A: It took 42 shots to kill Bonham.
Kurt Cobain should have changed his name before he committed suicide...Kurt Gobang!
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and W. Bobbit have in common?
A: They both got drunk and lost their heads!
Have you heard about the Seattle beer commemorating Kurt Cobain? It's bitter and has no head.
Q: What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and a mug of beer?
A: Beer still looks good when you blow the head off.
Q: Why couldn't Kurt Cobain become a professional boxer?
A: Because he can't take a blow to the head!
Q: What's got six legs, six arms, and two heads?
A: Nirvana.
Q: What has two heads, four legs and works at McDonald's?
A: The rest of Nirvana.
Q: What does NIRVANA stand for?
A: Needed Immediately Reliable Vocalist Applications Now Accepted
Q: How can you keep Pearl Jam together?
A: Break the lead singer's index finger.
Overheard: Even without Cobain, the grunge-scene carries on.
As proof, plans are in the works for the first grunge-industry motion picture: "Dead Mean do wear Plaid."
Q: What do you get when you cross Kurt Cobain with Richard Nixon?
A: John Kennedy
Q: What do JFK, Curt Cobain, and Bill Clinton all have in common?
A: They each have (or had, in JFK's case) half a brain, and Gore on their backs.
Q: What do Cobain and Wesley Alan Dodd have in common?
A: Hey man -- just shut up and be glad they're dead.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and Freddie Mercury have in common?
A: They both sucked a tube and died.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and hockey have in common?
A: Face-off in the corner.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
A: They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Anyone been for a curry lately?
Try the new Chicken Nirvana....
It'll blow your head off!!!!
Q: What's worse than Kurt Cobain offing himself?
A: Having to hear about it for the next 12 months.
The Kurt Cobain Smiley Collection :-)
O:) @
Nulla mens sine impensa
(Play on a Latin observation that there are no free lunches http://www.ogham.org/pastmstr/Latin.htm)
Q: Why did Kurt shoot himself?
A: Because he could no longer shoot up the charts.
I was wondering why Nirvana hasn't done a new album.
Now I find out that the lead singer doesn't have a head for music any more!
Did you hear that Nirvana is planning to do another album?
If they can just find a lead singer who can keep his head together...
Nirvana's last album: "In Utero." Nirvana's next album: "Post Mortem." It'll be number one with a bullet.
The new album will be called "Splattermind" and contain such hits as "Kurt Shaped Box", "Smells like A Rotting Corpse", "In Bloom: A tribute to Kurt's head", and others.
Q: What will be on the next Nirvana album?
A1: Smells Like Gunsmoke
A2: Smells Like Kurt's Dead
A3: Smells Like a Rotting Corpse
A4: Kurt Shaped Box
A5: In Bloom: A Tribute to Kurt's Head
Q: What will Nirvana's next three records be?
A: "My Aim is True", "Up on the Roof", "Going out of my Head"
Q: What will Nirvana's next single be?
A: "Bullet in the Head." (Rage against the Machine cover)
Q: What will Nirvana's next video be?
A: Dancing on the ceiling.
Q: What's the new singer of Nirvana called?
A: Kurt No-Brain.
Q: Who makes less money than Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic?
A: Kurt Cobain.
Q: What is Kurt Cobain's favorite album?
A: "nomoremind." And don't forget the hit off the album, "Smells Like Gunsmoke."
Q: What was on Kurt Cobain's suicide note?
A: Mostly blood and powder residue.
Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
A: Hole's gonna be real big!
Q: Did you hear that Courtney Love (Kurt's widow) is renaming her band in Kurt's honor?
A: It's now called "Hole -- in the Head."
Q: What was the last thing Kurt said before his face got blown away?
A: "S***, I thought this was a microphone!" Or was it, "Is this mike on?"
Songs on the upcoming Kurt Cobain tribute album
1. "Alive" - Pearl Jam
2. "Bullet in your head" - Rage Against the Machine
3. "I hate myself and want to die" - who else, Nirvana
4. "Suicide Solution" (i forgot, Ozzy?)
5. "Kill yourself" - S.O.D.
6. "I shot the devil" - Suicidal Tendencies
7. "War inside my head"
8. "Suicidal failure"
9. "Suicide's an Alternative"
10. "Another One Bites the Dust" - Queen
11. "Shotgun Blues" - Guns and Roses
12. "Overblown" - Mudhoney
13. "Happiness is a Warm Gun" - Fab Four
More songs on the upcoming Kurt Cobain tribute album
1. Alive - Pearl Jam
2. Shotgun Blues - Guns n' Roses
3. Gun Love - ZZTop
4. Big Gun - AC/DC
5. Overblown - Mudhoney
6. Bullet in your Head - Rage Against the Machine
7. Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Beatles (or the Breeders' cover)
8. I Hate Myself and Want to Die - Nirvana (Was this, like, a *big* hint or what?)
8a. Lithium - Nirvana
9. See You In Hell (Don't Be Late) - Yngwie Malmsteen
10. I Shot the Devil - Suicidal Tendencies
10a. War Inside my Head - Suicidal Tendencies
10b. Suicidal Failure - Suicidal Tendencies
10c. Suicide's an Alternative - Suicidal Tendencies
11. Kill Yourself - S.O.D.
12. Suicide Solution - Ozzy Osbourne
12a. Shot in the Dark - Ozzy Osbourne
13. Don't Try Suicide - Queen
13a. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen (Hey Kurt say "Hi" to Freddie for us!)
14. Suicide Chump - Frank Zappa
14a. Are You Upset - Frank Zappa
14b. My Guitar Wants to Kill your Mama - Frank Zappa
15. Rock 'N Roll Suicide - David Bowie
16. Head Like a Hole - Nine Inch Nails
16a. Terrible Lie - Nine Inch Nails
18. Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead! from the Wizard of OZ
19. Surprise, You're Dead - Faith No More
20. I'm a Loser - The Beatles
21. Sympathy from the Devil - The Stones
22. Pinball Wizard - The Who (He was dumb to kill himself, and now he's deaf and blind.)
23. The Four Horsemen - Metallica
23a. To Live is to Die - Metallica
23b. Frayed Ends of Sanity - Metallica
24. Countdown To Extinction - Megadeth
24a. Psychotron - Megadeth
24b. Symphony of Destruction - Megadeth
25. Soy un Perdido - Beck
26. What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (?!)
27. One Way Out - Allman Brothers
28. Hymn 43 - Jethro Tull
29. Break on Through - The Doors
29a. The End - The Doors
30. Nobody Knows When You're Down and Out - Traditional Blues
30a. Trouble in Mind - Traditional Blues
31. Satisfy my Soul - Bob Marley
31a. I Shot the Sherrif - Bob Marley
32. Shotgun Blues - The Scorchers
33. Shotgun - Duran Duran
34. Suicide Blonde - INXS
Top Ten Reasons Why Kurt Cobain Shot Himself
10. Wanted to repaint wall a nice shade of "Hint of Brain"
9. Ran out of possible 3 chord combinations for songs.
8. Too many listeners beginning to understand lyrics.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try try again...
6. "Which is dangerous, the wooden end or the metal end?"
5. Tried to scratch pesky spot behind ear with shotgun.
4. Damn Fly!
3. "If I don't get this tuned right I'm gonna shoot myself"
2. Playing Solitaire Russian Roulette
1. Couldn't figure out "Cinnamon Girl" Solo.
Dave Grohl's Top 10 Drummer Jokes
1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet.
4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
6. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth
8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"
A limerick
There once was a man named Cobain.
He liked heroin in his vein.
Even with a hot wife,
Kurt was bummed with his life,
And all that is left is a stain!
Another limerick
There once lived a young man named Kurt
that did something that surely must hurt:
Though detoxed off junk,
He remained in a funk --
And all over his brains sure did spurt!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cobain suicide ad:
"Hi, I was Kurt Cobain.
You know, I found that when you try to kill yourself, drugs are just not a sure-SHOT method. That's why when I killed myself I used the new Remington SURE-KILL SUICIDER SHOTGUN. It has been specially designed for those of us who want to take our own lives. And, it's guaranteed to DO IT in a macho, gutsy manner that will leave your brain splattered all over for that really cool image. The SUICIDER features a short barrel, no stock to get in the way, a reversed trigger that's easy to operate, and a special soft foam rubber mouth grip attached to the barrel end. Not only is it comfortable (no more biting down on cold metal), BUT it also insures that gun will do the most damage possible while leaving your teeth and jaw intact so you will be a good-looking corpse!
So, if you're thinking seriously about suicide or are just bored:
run out and get the new Remington SUICIDER. IT'LL BLOW YOU AWAY!
And, it makes a great Christmas gift for that suicidal season."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lennon vs. Cobain
Lennon paved the way for the Rolling Stones and The Who.
Cobain paved the way for Evan Dando and the Stone Temple Pilots.
Lennon popularized long hair, which soon became the calling card of an entire generation. (And some of us still wear it long in his memory.)
Cobain popularized plaid, which soon became the calling card of MTV.
Lennon was inspired by marijuana to write groundbreaking pop melodies for Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band.
Cobain was inspired by heroin to leave his baby in a taxi.
Lennon quit touring to concentrate on making albums.
Cobain quit touring to concentrate on recovering from drug overdose.
Lennon experimented with different religions and spiritual leaders.
Cobain experimented with different stomach pain remedies.
Lennon complained when fans wouldn't let him forget the Beatles and develop his own musical voice.
Cobain complained when fans bought his albums.
Lennon sang on a David Bowie album.
Cobain sang on a Beavis & Butt-head album.
Lennon's raison d'etre as expressed through a song title: "Give Peace a Chance".
Cobain's raison d'etre as expressed through a song title: "I Hate My Life, I Want To Die".
Lennon was shot in the head by a crazy fan.
Cobain shot himself in the head.
Lennon is still mythologized in popular culture, as in films like Backbeat.
Cobain is parodied by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard: "Kurt Cobain just reached nirvana!"
Hey Kurt -- say Hi to Freddie for us.
These jokes, like Kurt himself, are starting to smell bad.
Q: Do you know the title of Kurt Cobain's first solo album?
A: Plugged
Q: What was the title of Nirvana's last album?
A: "Smells like Black Powder"
Q: What was Kurt Cobain's last hit?
A: The Floor
"And I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun." (from "Come As You Are." Guess he did.)
Q: What did Kurt do when he got to the top?
A: He self-destructed.
Kurt -- the first victim of the Brady bill.
That last week must have sucked, eh?
Q: What does Kurt Cobain and the group Nine Inch Nails have in common?
A: A Head Like A Hole!
I heard that Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) is going to re-release "Head Like A Hole" in memorial of Kurt Cobain.
Q: What did Mrs. Cobain say when they couldn't identify Kurt's body?
A: Smells like Kurt's body (to me).
Q: What does Kurt Cobain smell like now?
A: I don't know but it's sure not Teen Spirit.
Q: Why can't you tell any secrets to Kurt Cobain?
A: He'll go shooting off his mouth.
Q: Why did Nirvana never let Kurt talk to the press?
A: He kept shooting his mouth off.
You know, Kurt Cobain would have had a great career -- if he didn't go shooting off his mouth!
Q: Why was Kurt Cobain so embarrassed?
A: He shot his mouth off once too often.
Q: Did you hear that there is a new drink called the "Cobain"?
A: It's some pills and champagne followed by a shot.
Q: What did Kurt have to drink before he died?
A: A couple of shots.
Q: Why did Kurt stop doing drugs?
A: He needed them like a hole in his head!
Q: Did Kurt completely give up drugs?
A: No, he still liked getting blasted.
Overheard: "I guess he really *was* a headbanger!"
Q: Why is it so easy to read Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: You can see right through his head!
Q: What color are Kurt Cobain's eyes?
A: Blue. ...one blew over there...and one blew...
Q: How do you know Kurt Cobain is committing suicide?
A: His nostrils are flared.
Q: What's the first thing that went through his mind when he pulled the trigger?
A: His nose!
Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A1: Molten Lead
A2: His Teeth
A3: About 8 ounces of lead shot.
A4: "Shit, I thought this was a microphone!"
A5: "Let's see Eddie top this!"
Did you hear Kurt Cobain was on the TV? ...and on the carpet, the walls, the furniture...
Q: What did Courtney Love say when she came home?
A: "Who ordered the pizza?"
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Kurt Cobain?
A: Are you gonna eat that?
Q: What did Kurt Cobain say to the electrician when he arrived?
A: Not much.
Q: What's red and white and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: His wall.
Q: What's red and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him.
Q: What's red and gray and hanging on the wall behind the sofa?
A: Kurt Cobain's brain!
Q: What's got more brains than Kurt Cobain's bedroom wall?
A: The crash barrier at Imola. [ After Senna's fatal crash. ]
Q: What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts?
A: A spatula.
Q: How do Princess Di & Kurt Cobain collect their thoughts?
A: With a shovel.
Q: How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
A: He scrapes them off the wall.
Q: Does Kurt Cobain like other kinds of music?
A: Yes, he's a Dead Head.
Q: What does Kurt Cobain's head have in common with his record sales?
A: They've both gone through the roof.
Overheard: "Record sales of Nirvana albums are doing brisk business thanks to Kurt Cobain's suicide, even though some of his best fans might not be so clear on why he's so big all of a sudden.
One little boy had asked a record store owner what "suicide" meant, to which the merchant answered, "Well, it's like... ventilating your head."
Q: How does Cobain feel about the NBA?
A: He think the Bullets have nowhere to go but up.
Q: Why did Kurt Cobain use a shotgun?
A: Because anacin was too weak.
Q: What is the ultimate gauge of Cobain's success?
A: 12.
Q: What was the best cure for Kurt Cobain's depression?
A: 12 gauge buckshot.
Q: What was the best thing that Kurt Cobain ever released?
A: The safety catch on that gun.
Q: Why did Courtney Love drive?
A: Because Kurt preferred riding shotgun.
Q: What did Kurt say whenever Nirvana went for a ride in a car?
A: "I ride shotgun!"
Q: Why won't they let Kurt Cobain drive convertibles?
A: His head whistles.
Q: What sound did Kurt's shotgun make?
A: Kurt-Kurt Cobain.
Q: What's the best thing about Kurt Cobain?
A: His aim!
Q: Did you hear? Kurt Cobain committed suicide!
A: Now that was a *real* no-brainer.
The rumor said that Kurt was listing to the radio, and there was a tune on it. It was going like this:
"Have an hair cut and get a real job!"
So, Kurt decided to blow his hair, but because of his long bangs he picked a Magnum .44 instead of a brush. Unfortunately, he also missed an hair...
He didn't miss his bang. That was a close shave!
(Well, we know he *wasn't* listening to Def Leppard's "Don't Shoot Shotgun...")
True story: Julianna Hatfield recalled once contemplating suicide.
She then heard a Nirvana song, and changed her mind. Her own lyrics tell the story (song title?):
"Here comes the song, I love it so much.
Makes me wanna go fuck shit up!
I've got Nirvana in my head --
I'm so glad I'm not dead."
Gotta love that irony.
Q: How many Cobains does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to be depressed about it, one to take heroin over it, one to sing a bad song about it, and one to shoot it.
Q: How many members of Nirvana does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hopefully, not more than two.
Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
A: Two more bullets...
Q: Why were there only two pallbearers at his funeral?
A: There's only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: And what will they bury Kurt in?
A: A heart-shaped box, har har har.
Q: How many times does it take Kurt Cobain to kill himself?
A: Two, if you want it done right.
Q: What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and John Bonham?
A: It took 42 shots to kill Bonham.
Kurt Cobain should have changed his name before he committed suicide...Kurt Gobang!
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and W. Bobbit have in common?
A: They both got drunk and lost their heads!
Have you heard about the Seattle beer commemorating Kurt Cobain? It's bitter and has no head.
Q: What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and a mug of beer?
A: Beer still looks good when you blow the head off.
Q: Why couldn't Kurt Cobain become a professional boxer?
A: Because he can't take a blow to the head!
Q: What's got six legs, six arms, and two heads?
A: Nirvana.
Q: What has two heads, four legs and works at McDonald's?
A: The rest of Nirvana.
Q: What does NIRVANA stand for?
A: Needed Immediately Reliable Vocalist Applications Now Accepted
Q: How can you keep Pearl Jam together?
A: Break the lead singer's index finger.
Overheard: Even without Cobain, the grunge-scene carries on.
As proof, plans are in the works for the first grunge-industry motion picture: "Dead Mean do wear Plaid."
Q: What do you get when you cross Kurt Cobain with Richard Nixon?
A: John Kennedy
Q: What do JFK, Curt Cobain, and Bill Clinton all have in common?
A: They each have (or had, in JFK's case) half a brain, and Gore on their backs.
Q: What do Cobain and Wesley Alan Dodd have in common?
A: Hey man -- just shut up and be glad they're dead.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and Freddie Mercury have in common?
A: They both sucked a tube and died.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and hockey have in common?
A: Face-off in the corner.
Q: What do Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
A: They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Anyone been for a curry lately?
Try the new Chicken Nirvana....
It'll blow your head off!!!!
Q: What's worse than Kurt Cobain offing himself?
A: Having to hear about it for the next 12 months.
The Kurt Cobain Smiley Collection :-)
O:) @
Nulla mens sine impensa
(Play on a Latin observation that there are no free lunches http://www.ogham.org/pastmstr/Latin.htm)
Q: Why did Kurt shoot himself?
A: Because he could no longer shoot up the charts.
I was wondering why Nirvana hasn't done a new album.
Now I find out that the lead singer doesn't have a head for music any more!
Did you hear that Nirvana is planning to do another album?
If they can just find a lead singer who can keep his head together...
Nirvana's last album: "In Utero." Nirvana's next album: "Post Mortem." It'll be number one with a bullet.
The new album will be called "Splattermind" and contain such hits as "Kurt Shaped Box", "Smells like A Rotting Corpse", "In Bloom: A tribute to Kurt's head", and others.
Q: What will be on the next Nirvana album?
A1: Smells Like Gunsmoke
A2: Smells Like Kurt's Dead
A3: Smells Like a Rotting Corpse
A4: Kurt Shaped Box
A5: In Bloom: A Tribute to Kurt's Head
Q: What will Nirvana's next three records be?
A: "My Aim is True", "Up on the Roof", "Going out of my Head"
Q: What will Nirvana's next single be?
A: "Bullet in the Head." (Rage against the Machine cover)
Q: What will Nirvana's next video be?
A: Dancing on the ceiling.
Q: What's the new singer of Nirvana called?
A: Kurt No-Brain.
Q: Who makes less money than Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic?
A: Kurt Cobain.
Q: What is Kurt Cobain's favorite album?
A: "nomoremind." And don't forget the hit off the album, "Smells Like Gunsmoke."
Q: What was on Kurt Cobain's suicide note?
A: Mostly blood and powder residue.
Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
A: Hole's gonna be real big!
Q: Did you hear that Courtney Love (Kurt's widow) is renaming her band in Kurt's honor?
A: It's now called "Hole -- in the Head."
Q: What was the last thing Kurt said before his face got blown away?
A: "S***, I thought this was a microphone!" Or was it, "Is this mike on?"
Songs on the upcoming Kurt Cobain tribute album
1. "Alive" - Pearl Jam
2. "Bullet in your head" - Rage Against the Machine
3. "I hate myself and want to die" - who else, Nirvana
4. "Suicide Solution" (i forgot, Ozzy?)
5. "Kill yourself" - S.O.D.
6. "I shot the devil" - Suicidal Tendencies
7. "War inside my head"
8. "Suicidal failure"
9. "Suicide's an Alternative"
10. "Another One Bites the Dust" - Queen
11. "Shotgun Blues" - Guns and Roses
12. "Overblown" - Mudhoney
13. "Happiness is a Warm Gun" - Fab Four
More songs on the upcoming Kurt Cobain tribute album
1. Alive - Pearl Jam
2. Shotgun Blues - Guns n' Roses
3. Gun Love - ZZTop
4. Big Gun - AC/DC
5. Overblown - Mudhoney
6. Bullet in your Head - Rage Against the Machine
7. Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Beatles (or the Breeders' cover)
8. I Hate Myself and Want to Die - Nirvana (Was this, like, a *big* hint or what?)
8a. Lithium - Nirvana
9. See You In Hell (Don't Be Late) - Yngwie Malmsteen
10. I Shot the Devil - Suicidal Tendencies
10a. War Inside my Head - Suicidal Tendencies
10b. Suicidal Failure - Suicidal Tendencies
10c. Suicide's an Alternative - Suicidal Tendencies
11. Kill Yourself - S.O.D.
12. Suicide Solution - Ozzy Osbourne
12a. Shot in the Dark - Ozzy Osbourne
13. Don't Try Suicide - Queen
13a. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen (Hey Kurt say "Hi" to Freddie for us!)
14. Suicide Chump - Frank Zappa
14a. Are You Upset - Frank Zappa
14b. My Guitar Wants to Kill your Mama - Frank Zappa
15. Rock 'N Roll Suicide - David Bowie
16. Head Like a Hole - Nine Inch Nails
16a. Terrible Lie - Nine Inch Nails
18. Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead! from the Wizard of OZ
19. Surprise, You're Dead - Faith No More
20. I'm a Loser - The Beatles
21. Sympathy from the Devil - The Stones
22. Pinball Wizard - The Who (He was dumb to kill himself, and now he's deaf and blind.)
23. The Four Horsemen - Metallica
23a. To Live is to Die - Metallica
23b. Frayed Ends of Sanity - Metallica
24. Countdown To Extinction - Megadeth
24a. Psychotron - Megadeth
24b. Symphony of Destruction - Megadeth
25. Soy un Perdido - Beck
26. What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (?!)
27. One Way Out - Allman Brothers
28. Hymn 43 - Jethro Tull
29. Break on Through - The Doors
29a. The End - The Doors
30. Nobody Knows When You're Down and Out - Traditional Blues
30a. Trouble in Mind - Traditional Blues
31. Satisfy my Soul - Bob Marley
31a. I Shot the Sherrif - Bob Marley
32. Shotgun Blues - The Scorchers
33. Shotgun - Duran Duran
34. Suicide Blonde - INXS
Top Ten Reasons Why Kurt Cobain Shot Himself
10. Wanted to repaint wall a nice shade of "Hint of Brain"
9. Ran out of possible 3 chord combinations for songs.
8. Too many listeners beginning to understand lyrics.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try try again...
6. "Which is dangerous, the wooden end or the metal end?"
5. Tried to scratch pesky spot behind ear with shotgun.
4. Damn Fly!
3. "If I don't get this tuned right I'm gonna shoot myself"
2. Playing Solitaire Russian Roulette
1. Couldn't figure out "Cinnamon Girl" Solo.
Dave Grohl's Top 10 Drummer Jokes
1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet.
4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
6. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth
8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"
A limerick
There once was a man named Cobain.
He liked heroin in his vein.
Even with a hot wife,
Kurt was bummed with his life,
And all that is left is a stain!
Another limerick
There once lived a young man named Kurt
that did something that surely must hurt:
Though detoxed off junk,
He remained in a funk --
And all over his brains sure did spurt!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cobain suicide ad:
"Hi, I was Kurt Cobain.
You know, I found that when you try to kill yourself, drugs are just not a sure-SHOT method. That's why when I killed myself I used the new Remington SURE-KILL SUICIDER SHOTGUN. It has been specially designed for those of us who want to take our own lives. And, it's guaranteed to DO IT in a macho, gutsy manner that will leave your brain splattered all over for that really cool image. The SUICIDER features a short barrel, no stock to get in the way, a reversed trigger that's easy to operate, and a special soft foam rubber mouth grip attached to the barrel end. Not only is it comfortable (no more biting down on cold metal), BUT it also insures that gun will do the most damage possible while leaving your teeth and jaw intact so you will be a good-looking corpse!
So, if you're thinking seriously about suicide or are just bored:
run out and get the new Remington SUICIDER. IT'LL BLOW YOU AWAY!
And, it makes a great Christmas gift for that suicidal season."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lennon vs. Cobain
Lennon paved the way for the Rolling Stones and The Who.
Cobain paved the way for Evan Dando and the Stone Temple Pilots.
Lennon popularized long hair, which soon became the calling card of an entire generation. (And some of us still wear it long in his memory.)
Cobain popularized plaid, which soon became the calling card of MTV.
Lennon was inspired by marijuana to write groundbreaking pop melodies for Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band.
Cobain was inspired by heroin to leave his baby in a taxi.
Lennon quit touring to concentrate on making albums.
Cobain quit touring to concentrate on recovering from drug overdose.
Lennon experimented with different religions and spiritual leaders.
Cobain experimented with different stomach pain remedies.
Lennon complained when fans wouldn't let him forget the Beatles and develop his own musical voice.
Cobain complained when fans bought his albums.
Lennon sang on a David Bowie album.
Cobain sang on a Beavis & Butt-head album.
Lennon's raison d'etre as expressed through a song title: "Give Peace a Chance".
Cobain's raison d'etre as expressed through a song title: "I Hate My Life, I Want To Die".
Lennon was shot in the head by a crazy fan.
Cobain shot himself in the head.
Lennon is still mythologized in popular culture, as in films like Backbeat.
Cobain is parodied by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard: "Kurt Cobain just reached nirvana!"
Hey Kurt -- say Hi to Freddie for us.
These jokes, like Kurt himself, are starting to smell bad.
-
Luís
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 526
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 6:03 pm
- Location: Portugal
- Country: Portugal
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Wow, I got an huge overdose of Kurt Cobain's jokes...
Made by Spawn of Cthulhu.com - THANKS A LOT!
-
Churchchair
- Trapped Under 800
- Posts: 657
- Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2004 3:18 pm
- Location: Zandvliet , Belgium
- Country: Belgium