The Official Joke Thread

[Doin]

Not sure if anyone here has seen this but these are the links to the two episodes of Princess.

Here is the story:
In 1999 Shockwave Media wanted to list as a public company. In order to attract investors they wanted to produce a shockwave cartoon series produced by famous Hollywood producers. They hired Southpark creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker to create an animated series for them. They paid Matt and Trey $2Million and gave them full creative control over the planned 39 episodes. The result was so horrendous and in such bad taste there was no way the cartoons could be presented to investors. As a result only two episodes were ever made. They should have known that Matt and Trey would breach the boundaries of bad taste. In hindsight they should have hired Pixar.

Warning....These are NOT to be watched in the office or anywhere at work!!!!
You have been warned.

Here are the links to episodes 1 and 2.

http://www.trioplus.tv/plus/uncensored/ep01.swf
http://www.trioplus.tv/plus/uncensored/ep02.swf

[Fadingtoblack]

^^ Haahaha, that's classic. Pity we'll never see the rest of the series

But really, what were Shockwave thinking, giving Matt and Trey full creative control? That's just asking for it

[Doin]

Surely they would have had to have seen Southpark at one time or another.

Yes, I would have loved to have seen all 39 episodes. Their minds are so warped you never know what they will come up with.

The first Southpark episode for season 9 is entitled 'Mr Garrison's Fancy New Vagina' which involved Garrison getting a sex change.

[Fadingtoblack]

Season 9 is awesome! I'll PM you the way for us Aussies to get it if you don't already know.

[leglessmoof]

We're 7 episodes into Season 9, and at least 4 of them are already instant classics:


Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina - Everyone goes nuts over plastic surgery.

"You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me... and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?"


Die Hippie, Die - Cartman hates hippies.

"If we can reach the stage, we can upload this SLAYER CD into their music system. Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all."


Best Friends Forever - Making fun of the whole Terry Schiavo situation. This ep aired the night before she died.

"We are out numbered and in need of someone who can single-handedly bring the whole dark empire down. Basically Kenny -- you are Keanu Reeves."


The Losing Edge - Making fun of baseball.

"This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America?! I'm sorry! I thought this was America!"

[Fadingtoblack]

"Is this some sort of Communist country? I thought this was America"

And from the newest ep..


"Can I stick my p-p-p-penis in your v-v-vagina"

[Fadingtoblack]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokke r, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Fadingtoblack]

Some new funnies to lead into the weekend:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives........"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN-

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! .

(Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[Fadingtoblack]

Oops, forgot to add, this is a classic sketch from Monty Python, and I was reminded of it due to a very one-sided "debate" I've been having elsewhere on the site, enjoy:

The cast:

MAN Michael Palin
RECEPTIONIST Rita Davies
MR. BARNARD Graham Chapman
MR. VIBRATING John Cleese
COMPLAINER Eric Idle
SPREADERS Terry Jones

Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what is the cost?

Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

Man: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Mr Barnard: Not at all.

Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

Man: (Knock)

Mr Vibrating: Come in.

Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Vibrating: I told you once.

Man: No you haven't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr Vibrating: Just now.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't

Mr Vibrating: I did!

Man: You didn't!

Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!

Man: You did not!!

Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Man: Oh, just the five minutes.

Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

Man: No you did not.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Did.

Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is!

Mr Vibrating: It is not.

Man: Look, you just contradicted me.

Mr Vibrating: I did not.

Man: Oh you did!!

Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.

Man: You did just then.

Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!

Man: Oh, this is futile!

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't!

Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: It is.

Mr Vibrating: Not at all.

Man: Now look.

Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.

Man: What?

Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

Man: I was just getting interested.

Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes!

Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

Man: It wasn't.

(Pause)

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

Man: What?!

Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

Mr Vibrating: (Hums)

Man: Look, this is ridiculous.

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

Man: Oh, all right.

(pays money)

Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)

Man: Well?

Mr Vibrating: Well what?

Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: I just paid!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: I DID!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.

Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: Oh I've had enough of this.

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

Man: I want to complain.

Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

Man: No, I want to complain about...

Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.

Man: Oh!

Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!

Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.

Man: uuuwwhh!!

Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.

Man: No.

Spreaders: Now..

Man: Waaaaah!!!

Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: What?

Man: Stop hitting me!!

Spreaders: Stop hitting you?

Man: Yes!

Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?

Man: I wanted to complain.

Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.

Man: What a stupid concept.

[Invaders]

I am more a fan about pics as you can see, here is another one damn funny