The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

'So,' he says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring,' the co-worker
replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'


I always wondered how this trend got started.

[Bob Garage]

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely person is reading this post...


- You hang in there sunshine! ha ha ha

[Bob Garage]

Creation vs Evolution has been settled!
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”
The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”
The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

[Bob Garage]

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

[Bob Garage]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

[Bob Garage]

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

[Bob Garage]

Thought for the day
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95 ...
With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50 ...
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5 ....

BUT IF........
You bought £1000 worth of Tennent’s Lager one year ago, drank it all then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214 ...
So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle!

[ColdmetalMuse]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and noLegs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said, 'No.'
She replied, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in!'

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

this is a classic

[Bob Garage]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

[Bob Garage]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late